My Mistake Wasn't Loving You, It Was the Expectations I Had
It’s never a mistake to love someone, because the act of love is noble, pure, authentic, and instinctive. However, even if you don’t regret it, it hurts to love someone who doesn’t deserve it, someone who didn’t meet your expectations.
Loving the wrong person is a serious situation that you rarely emerge from unscathed. But you have to gather your strength and rekindle the embers of your self-esteem so you can spark it back up again. You have to stop suffering for love and trying to prolong a love that’s broken if you ever want to get some space to yourself and start to heal.
“The effects of love and tenderness are fleeting, but the effects of mistakes, even just one, never end. They’re like a cave or an incurable disease.”
-Antonio Muñoz Molina-
All the social media and online dating sites that exist today are giving rise to an interesting phenomenon. Many people feel like they’re always falling in love with the wrong person. But they continue to believe in love, and more than anything else, they long to fall in love with the right person at the right time. They long to feel wanted, respected, and loved.
Dating profiles offer an interesting option: the ability to screen for interests and characteristics. All of this offers a certain sense of control over what you want and don’t want, so you try to find the perfect formula. However, experts on affective relationships point out that love is not an algorithm.
Being wrong about love from time to time is almost a law of life. But sometimes, chaos arises and you unexpectedly get what you wanted so bad: a mature, conscious, and happy relationship. So don’t worry, there’s never a reason to lose hope.
False expectations
We said it at the beginning: love is never a mistake. People breathe, learn, love, cry, laugh, and move on. The wheel of life keeps turning, and it invites us to be a part of the intense and beautiful movement it creates. There’s no reason to run from our nature. It becomes problematic, however, when you continue to love someone who doesn’t love you back.
It’s often said that people don’t change, they just never were who you thought they were. Of course, we all change to a certain degree based on our experiences, but the roots are always there. Sometimes we just don’t see them, and we limit ourselves by creating false expectations that don’t align with reality.
So does this mean that it’s always our fault when we love someone who doesn’t deserve it? That we’re naive for building castles out of thin air? No, not at all. An interesting book titled The 7-Minute Marriage Solution explains how false expectations in a relationship are created and reinforced.
One on hand, some people perpetuate their fantasies in their eagerness to find happiness, to the point where they turn the other person’s flaws into virtues. And then there are those who feed into those false expectations.
They do this for very specific reasons. One, to avoid loneliness, meaning it doesn’t matter who the other person is, and two, to ensure themselves a disposable relationship by giving the other person hope for something lasting.
It’s not a mistake to love someone, but it is a mistake to continue loving the wrong person
There’s no reason to be bitter about having loved someone who didn’t deserve it. You should be proud of yourself for having loved and known when to let go, because love is noble. You become wiser when you know when it’s time to end a chapter. You shouldn’t punish yourself for getting to know people who brought you nothing but tears, lies, and blackmail.
“It’s possible that you loved me, only you would know, but the truth is that you had a special ability to hurt me.”
-Mario Benedetti-
Life is all about learning, and some teachers are skilled at crafting poisonous love. If you overcome and conquer them, you’ll walk with more poise, dignity, and composure. When it comes to emotions, you never stop learning. The best treatment for a wounded soul is incorporating life lessons like these, which all follow the same principle: to love yourself above all else. It’s always better to suffer pain with dignity than to be a prisoner of emotional exploitation or indifference.
Pablo Neruda once said that “I fell in love with life, because it’s the only thing that will never leave me without me leaving it first.” Of course, there’s no need to go to such extremes, but few things are as healthy as hanging on tight to the journey of life, which gives so much and takes so much away.
Every mistake can be learned from, and every person you meet leaves you with something along the way. What’s important is moving forward and remembering that love is always, always worth it. Just don’t forget to take care of the captain of your beautiful ship: yourself.
