Don't Search for Perfect Love...Build Real Love

Don't Search for Perfect Love...Build Real Love
Valeria Sabater

Written and verified by the psychologist Valeria Sabater.

Last update: 15 November, 2021

We all have someone in mind who we believe is, without any doubt, our ideal loveWe see perfection in this person: of flawless features, and a future of complete happinesses.

Dreaming is not bad. It gives us part of that illusion that we all need in order to walk around this complicated and difficult world.

But I don’t believe in an ideal love. I believe in inexplicable love that overtakes and envelops you with intense and unruly feelings. I believe in passionate beginnings from which a real and everyday love can be built.

Now is the time to think about the love that you need. Do it with your feet on the ground and your mind open. 

Don’t look to the images of ideal love that will distance you from reality. Look to the reality that is made of up authentic people. There is no such thing as perfect love, but rather people with virtues and defects who have learned how to create a harmony between their needs and their emptiness.

Don’t search for a perfect love, build a love that is real and conscious. As you read, we invite you to reflect on this idea.

The pillars on which conscious relationships are built 

It may be that you have already heard of conscious relationshipsThese relationships are the opposite of overly  romanticized, or unconscious, love. 

The romantic ideal that society feeds us actually is made up of various expectations that are dangerous to our emotional balance:

  • Romantic love symbolizes the idealization of the loved person. This can result in projecting attributes that don’t match up with reality.
  • Romanticism, or ideal love, is the reflection of the most dangerous kind of attachment. It is a reflection of the need to have and “possess” the other person as the only way to be happy. 
  • Real love doesn’t mean the inability to show affection and care. It consists of building a conscious relationship through healthy practices in which there is no need for submission, nor obsessive attachment.
couple walking love

The key is to form bonds that work together, that are harmonious and respectful of who we are, of our personal growth, and of the growth of the relationship itself.

Let’s see how we can find and build an emotionally mature and conscious relationship: 

1. Don’t search; first, become someone worth being with

Don’t obsess over or give yourself the vital goal of “finding the perfect person”.

Life is a continuous lesson in which everything counts. Each past relationship leaves its mark. The experience of it, and memory of it, form a part of you, but they do not determine who you are. Your possible failures do not define you. They teach you how to take new, more certain steps. 

This isn’t about searching, but rather letting life carry you, while you care for your self-esteemKnow what you want, and distance yourself from what could hurt you.

Work on yourself everyday. Allow yourself internal growth and enjoy who you are. Enjoy being that person you see reflected in the mirror everyday. Your inner happiness, your balance, and your emotional maturity are the greatest gifts you could offer to someone you love, someone that fate brings into your life. 

To build a real and conscious love, it is necessary to first become a person who loves and admires him or herself. Always remember that true love doesn’t come along by “magic.”

2. Work on your personal and emotional balance 

It’s possible that already in your life your heart has been damaged by a failed relationship, or by another emotional wound that has yet to be cauterized.

After a failure or a break-up, it is important to heal the bond you have with yourself. With who you are, and with your needsand your inner voice. You have spent too much time putting all of your energy into another person. Now is the time to prioritize.

Resolve your fear of loneliness or of being abandoned. It is important to learn how to be alone without it being something traumatic.

When you build a feeling of love and unity with yourself, and a feeling of comfort and confidence in who you are, you will no longer show your weaknesses and emptiness. You will no longer show your faults and needs that, in a certain way, are always just looking for the attention of another.

couple holding hands love

When a new person does enter your life, don’t think of them as “the sum of all parts” of your past relationships. Offer yourself as an emotionally mature person who has learned from their experiences. A person who now offers themselves freely and without emotional baggage. A person ready to build a real, full, and brave love.

3. Being in love is easy, but building a real love requires effort 

There are loving relationships that come about simply by chance, that sneak up on us. As earlier stated, this is inexplicable love.

It doesn’t matter how it happens, the essential element is that each day the relationship secures itself more and more with the pillars of respect, balance, and equal effort. It must reinforce itself with mutual understanding that is able to inspire hope and understand.

Building a conscious love requires the willpower of both parties. It requires knowing how to fit together “my corners with your corners.” It requires understanding and valuing the differences, and not just that which is shared.

Remember, stop looking for a perfect love. We are all imperfect beings doing our best each day to build a perfect lifeAnd that is what is important.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.