When jumping into a romantic relationship, it’s easy to feel emotionally vulnerable, especially if you have already had an experience that ended in emotional scarring and in which you felt disappointed.
Questions like “Will I be rejected again?” Or “Will I do something that bothers them?” are common when you have little experience or when your past experiences have been negative.
Finding problems where none exist
In general, when we feel insecure in any relationship (whatever the type) or when faced with different situations, we’re creating additional complication, because we’re seeing problems where none exist. And this is like a nightmare chasing its tail, because the insecurity will just get worsse and worse, and your imagination will end up sending everything into overdrive.
When we’re insecure, we look for signs that things are going badly, identifying the most trivial or insignificant details as such. And of course, we always find what we’re looking for, even when it doesn’t exist.
How to stop feeling insecure in your relationship
What can we do to get over these insecurities, so we can start living happily with our partner without ruining it through unfounded arguments? Let’s take a look.
1. Don’t let your imagination confuse reality
Self-punishment and negative memories from our past can pull off some really nasty tricks in our minds. Constantly recreating something that happened or could happen, can reach the point to where we’re confused about what’s really going on. Our tendency to imagine what would happen if we were to do it all over or if things were this way or that way is very confusing.
But so often that insecurity is based on what could potentially happen; not from a personal experience, but the experiences of others who we have witnessed or even worse, the education we have received about a great relationship is “supposed” to look like and what should happen. They are these generalized ideas based on other people’s experiences that have no place in our point of view.
The next time you feel insecure, ask yourself if something has actually happened or if you imagined or speculated it. You have to be capable or distinguishing them and filtering your current relationship from your past experiences, and everything you know about social and cultural stereotypes.
2. Don’t fall into the trap of certainty
Relationships aren’t always exactly the way you think they should be. But to fall into the trap of certainty, that things should be a certain way, increases your insecurity when you see something fail.
When things aren’t going the way you believe they should be, you lose control, because you aren’t capable of honestly filtering what you are seeing, and you proceed to let your imagination run wild.
You have to relax when faced with uncertainty, try to not to control everything, and give yourself the opportunity to get to know the other person and get to know yourself in this new relationship. Stop imagining and defining, stop holding on to a life you can only imagine, and start really living and enjoying life.
3. Give your partner room to breathe
You have no right to ask the other person to be more like what you want or to live in the relationship according to rules that you’ve unilaterally employed. Trust and respect are gained little by little, and so is love. That you found a partner that you feel is great for you, doesn’t mean that everything is said and done and that your cards are dealt.
That relationship has to grow, and like a freshly planted seed in the ground, it needs to be in loose enough soil to receive the appropriate amount of water and oxygen. If you squeeze it too hard, it is not to say that it will die, but it probably will not bloom, either.
4. Stop “reading their mind”
This is a problem that comes up as much in personal relationships as in romantic ones. We like to believe we know what they’re thinking, and consequently act on that. But since we don’t even bother to ask, or if we do, we start to act threatening, we act as if it’s true.
Once again, it’s all in our imagination.
5. Stop comparing your relationship to others
All the insecurity you feel is because of past experiences and stereotyped ideas based on what things should supposedly be like.
But you have to free yourself from all those chains, and start giving your new relationship a chance to grow and be free. If you don’t abandon your past, you won’t have a future.
If your relationship is meant to last, only time will tell. So stop acting like the world is going to end if you don’t pick the right partner, and start living your life.