Stop Blaming Others For Your Problems and Take Control

June 11, 2016

Blaming others and circumstances is an easy way of not taking responsibility for yourself, a way to excuse oneself for what is happening. But it is also the most effective way of losing control over one’s life.

Many people need to blame others and/or the circumstances because making themselves feel like the victims is also a way to justify what happens. That way they don’t have to do anything and they’re fine with just complaining and waiting, as if that were good enough.

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I do not believe in circumstances. The people who progress in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they cannot find them, they make them.”

-George Bernard Shaw-

We need to find a cause

Uncertainty is not something that is easy to experience. We need to know where, what and why, maintain control and know that somehow the problem is going to be solved. Thus, if it is someone else’s fault, then the responsibility of finding the solution is too.

Finding someone to blame may give us the feeling that we have corrected a problem when we have not really understood its cause. But by blaming others we put ourselves on the sideline, at the mercy of what might happen, without any ability to handle it.

woman with two faces with wings

Take control of your own life by blaming others less

Some people get emotional satisfaction from talking about how bad others are. However, research has found that when you talk negatively about someone, it is more likely that your listener will associate the negativity with you. Researchers call this spontaneous trait transference.

It takes a mature person to take responsibility for their actions. It is not about taking all the blame when there are other people who are responsible, but about being able to accept responsibility when you really need to.

If everything is someone else’s fault, then what part do I play in my own life? Do my actions remain without consequences? Am I that helpless? Knowing that we accept our responsibility when things go wrong also means that we accept responsibility when things go well.

We must be objective about ourselves. We can’t assume that we could have never created problems. We also need to distinguish between accepting responsibility and taking blame on when it is not our fault.

Look for the cause, but not just any cause

If something does not work, it’s easy to be creative and find some reason to blame someone else. We must learn to relax and overcome the need to cast blame at the first sign of a problem. Tolerating the temporary uncertainty of not knowing how to get a broader perspective on things takes time. Finding someone to blame solves nothing.

“When you are young, it’s easy to get upset and complain about many things, but then you realize what one achieves by learning to control oneself causes fewer problems.”

-Natsume Soseki-

You can only grow if give yourself the correct feedback

woman with cape at sunset

Being objective when it comes to acknowledging a mistake is how we improve and develop. We don’t progress as human beings just to survive and arm ourselves against the world. We need to develop the ability to respond to life and to give ourselves feedback, avoiding the effects of low self-esteem or vanity.

There is no shame in making a mistake or failing at something. Only proper feedback on the causes allow us to build toward improvement. We do not grow by avoiding mistakes, but by analyzing their causes and recognizing weaknesses and limitations.

Forget the blame and focus on making things better

For some people, blaming is everything. But then, what is left? Can anything be solved with that? Forget the blame and focus on your goal, on what you can fix and changing whatever is necessary to improve and make things right.

“Blaming your mistakes for your nature does not change the nature of your mistakes.”

-Thomas Harris-