Why I'm Not Sexually Attracted to My Partner and What I Can Do

We'll explore possible reasons why you're not sexually attracted to your partner and what you should do in each case. Keep reading!

Written and verified by the psychologist Sharon Laura Capeluto.

Last update: 02 April, 2024

Sexual attraction towards one’s partner is a much more complex phenomenon than you may anticipate. While, for some, an intimate connection may be rooted exclusively in physical appearance, for others, intelligence and personality take center stage in awakening desire. But what happens when nothing is enough, and you feel that you’re not sexually attracted to your partner, either because you never were or because the initial spark has disappeared?

This is an area that requires, first of all, assuming the problem as such. At the same time, it’s essential to explore the reasons behind this lack of interest and jointly address possible changes in the dynamics of the relationship. Join us to delve deeper into the topic.

When it has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with you

It’s possible that the lack of sexual attraction toward your partner has nothing to do with them. Libido is dynamic, and there are external factors that influence it. For example, it’s been proven that chronic stress destroys sexual life due to excess cortisol and adrenaline.

Other hormonal changes produced by specific medical and/or emotional conditions or by the consumption of certain medications can have side effects on sexual desire.

So, before saying, “I’m not sexually attracted to my partner,” consider the possibility that you’re going through a stage in which sex isn’t a source of well-being and interest in your life. In this case, seeking the help of a health professional is a good alternative.

When it has to do with the couple

At the same time, there are different scenarios in which you feel low or no sexual attraction toward your partner. How each situation is resolved will depend on the specific nature of the issues and the willingness of both parties to address them.

Next, we’ll explore three stories, each with a specific context, and offer possible strategies for confronting them. We invite you to pay attention to these stories, as some of them may resonate with you.

1. You were sexually attracted to them before, but you no longer feel that same attraction

Miguel and Paula enjoyed a passionate connection. They used to get lost in the complicity of their looks and caresses. But, as time went by, Paula began to notice that the intensity of her desire for Miguel had decreased. The nights of passion were becoming more and more sporadic, and the spark that used to easily ignite her was now barely visible.

Miguel would seek her out, but she would resort to the typical excuses: “I had a terrible day at work. I’m too tired” or “I have a headache.” Paula felt worried and, at the same time, burdened with guilt for the distance that was created between them and for how Miguel might be feeling in the face of sexual rejection.

What to do?

If you’re not as sexually attracted to your partner as before, it’s important that you investigate the reason behind this change. Is it due to carelessness in appearance and hygiene? Are you interested in someone else outside the relationship, and your attention is focused there? Does lack of attraction coincide with loss of love? It’s essential that you offer yourself honest answers.

Then it’s time for difficult (but necessary) conversations. Open a sincere dialogue with your partner about what you’re feeling and what’s worrying you. From this exchange, you can explore possible solutions that can help restore desire in the relationship, as long as that’s what you want.

2. You like your partner but you don’t feel physical attraction

Matt and Guy have been in love for a few months. They share tastes, interests, and values and have thus built a solid emotional connection. But, despite the affinity in these regards, Matt discovered that he’s never experienced a significant physical attraction towards Guy.

Except on the sexual level, he feels and shows a deep love for Guy. This situation causes great sadness and discomfort, and thoughts such as “I want to be with my partner, but I’m not attracted to him” or “I love my partner very much, but I’m not sexually attracted to him” frequently resonate in his mind.

What to do?

The first thing you need to know is that attraction can develop over time, even if it wasn’t present at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, a work published in Interpersona suggests that we see those we love as more attractive. As we develop a stronger emotional bond with someone, we tend to see them as more attractive.

But we must also it must be recognized that, in some cases, despite the efforts and emotional connection, sexual desire may not manifest itself in the desired way.

While there are many types of attraction, and a relationship can find ways to last by focusing on aspects other than sex, it’s essential to face reality and talk about it. The important thing is that both of you are comfortable.

3. Differences in sexual preferences decreased attraction toward your partner

Marco and Sunny have been together for seven years. They have life projects in common and share emotional harmony. Some time ago, Sunny began to feel a certain boredom in the relationship and the need to try new dimensions of intimacy. Meanwhile, Marco feels comfortable with simpler and more conventional routines.

Sunny has mixed feelings. On the one hand, she’s committed to the relationship and their future plans. On the other hand, it causes enormous discomfort for her to repress her desires in order not to put their bond at risk. The gap between their sexual preferences is increasingly evident.

What to do?

Ignoring the problem won’t solve it. In this case, it’s essential to gather the necessary courage and address the issue. The search for joint solutions is the second step. It’s important to communicate to your partner what you like in bed (and ask them about their preferences), so that both of you please each other during intimate encounters.

You can explore options that satisfy you both, negotiate specific agreements, and perhaps consider the possibility of an open relationship.

Now, it’s essential to detect if the disenchantment in the relationship is limited to the sexual area or is generalized. In this scenario, without a doubt, it’s advisable to thoroughly examine the emotional and communicative dynamics between the two of you. Perhaps you’ll have to make painful decisions because there’s no point in supporting a love that has lost its melody.

Couples therapy as a key tool

It’s possible to shy away from intimacy because of a sexual slump, because you still have feelings for your ex, because the attraction is no longer physical, or because you don’t express how you want to be satisfied. Regardless of the reason why you’re no longer sexually attracted to your partner, it’s always a good idea to consult a psychologist.

Psychotherapy is a space capable of making a significant difference because it offers an impartial view, practical strategies, and tools that will help you understand and address the roots of the problem. In addition, mediation from a third party could be very useful for you to learn to communicate in a more honest, empathetic, and effective way.