How to Tell Your Partner You Don't Want to Get Married

How can you tell your partner that you don't want to get married? Follow these tips to communicate your decision without causing harm.

Written and verified by the psychologist Elena Sanz.

Last update: 15 September, 2024

“I do not want to get married.” This is a difficult decision to communicate to your partner. Until just a few decades ago, marriage was seen as a universal goal toward which everyone should be moving and as the only valid destination for those in a relationship. Today, some still want to get married, but more and more people are choosing to forego this formality.

There are several reasons why someone might reject the idea of marriage. These could be related to personal ideology, such as a lack of religiosity or the desire to live together outside of institutions, for example. Other reasons relate to the state of the relationship. That is, one might consider that the time hasn’t yet come or that the bond isn’t stable enough.

In either case, it’s a decision that’s important to share and one that can lead to a difficult and uncomfortable conversation. To address it, this article offers you some keys.

How to tell your partner that you don’t want to get married

Social trends regarding marriage have changed dramatically in recent times. According to figures shared by Datosmacto, the marriage rate has fallen from more than 7% to 3% since the 70s. Despite this, there’s still that social pressure regarding the issue.

For the same reason, you may have asked yourself the question, “How do I tell my partner that I don’t want to get married?” In fact, if you know that your romantic partner does want to get married, it’s essential to deal with the matter with sincerity, tact, and empathy. In this regard, it’s worth paying attention to the following tips.

Be clear about your personal situation

Before telling your partner that you don’t want to get married, it’s essential that you get your own ideas in order and carry out a reflection and introspection exercise. Ask yourself what you think about marriage: Do you reject it completely, or are you indifferent to the idea? What are the reasons why you don’t want to get married? Is it a temporary or final decision? Is this attitude related to your current relationship?

Answering these questions will help you better understand what you think, want, and need in order to communicate it clearly. Being completely reluctant to marriage isn’t the same as wanting to wait a few more years. Nor is being convinced of never wanting to get married the same as having doubts about the state of the current relationship.

With this information, you can understand if marriage is completely out of your plans or if there’s some element or circumstance that could change in order for you to consider such a commitment. For example, the Journal of Marriage and Family refers to economic circumstances as an influential factor in shaping the decision to get married. Other elements in this aspect are satisfaction with the relationship and age.

Pick the right moment

If the other person wants to get married, letting them know that you don’t want to be married shouldn’t be taken lightly. You may be feeling disappointed, confused, sad, or anxious at the moment. You must be in a safe and intimate space to express yourself. Therefore, wait until you’re alone, and choose a situation that’s relaxed and where you have time to talk.

Validate their emotions and desires

Even if your opinions are contrary on this point, it’s essential not to see it as a confrontation or power struggle. Try to stay calm and not get defensive when breaking the news. Above all, take care of your partner’s feelings at this vulnerable time.

You can achieve this if you validate their emotions during the process. That is, communicate that you understand how important it is for them to get married, that you understand and are aware of their motives, and that you know that the news may be painful for them. The simple act of giving a name and space to what they feel and accepting it with empathy will prevent a hurtful confrontation from breaking out.

Expose your reasons and motives

Next, honestly state why you reject the idea of marriage. Make it clear whether it’s an irrevocable decision or if it’s subject to certain circumstances. Depending on the case, you may ask for time or talk about the need for certain changes before considering marriage. But be that as it may, don’t offer false hope, and be as honest as possible.

Reaffirm your feelings

Perhaps your partner takes this refusal as a rejection of them or as an indication that you’re not happy in the relationship. For this reason, it’s essential to reaffirm your feelings and commitment to the relationship, regardless of your marriage opinion.

Depending on your partner’s love language, offer words of affirmation or connect through physical contact. In addition, talk about different alternatives to advance in the relationship that doesn’t involve getting married. Of course, do this only in the case that you desire to progress together and get involved in a shared life project; otherwise, communicate with affection and respect where you are and what you expect in the future.

I don’t want to get married, but I understand that you do

Finally, understand that by communicating that you don’t want to get married, you may be establishing a turning point in the relationship. Maybe your partner accepts it and is willing to continue with the bond in the same state or understands and commits to work for the changes you need to modify your opinion.

But it’s also likely that you decide to end the relationship, as for some people, marriage has a strong symbolic meaning and great relevance. If this is the scenario, it’s essential to be mature enough to respect the decision of both parties.

Your partner doesn’t have to give up their desire to get married just to stay in the relationship, nor do you have to accept an idea that you reject. For this reason, you both should reflect individually, dialogue assertively and respectfully, and make the best decision.