Women Want to Talk, Men Want to Run Away
A lack of communication is one of the main problems that can affect romantic relationships. This is nothing new. But here we’ll discuss a common situation that will probably seem familiar to you: women want to talk, but men want to avoid the issue.
Is this a question of gender? Why does it always happen the same way? Who gave one the role of talking and the other the role of avoiding? Of course men and women are different, but they also have many things in common. Communication is precisely what we need to strengthen in order to be in a relationship.
Women talk, men stay quiet
What we observe when we analyze various couples is that woman like verbal communication more than men. When they identify a problem in the relationship, they understand that it will be difficult to solve if they don’t talk about it. Men seem more inclined to take action or patiently hope that the storm cloud disappears.
Neither way is better than the other. They’re simply two different ways of being, and we should understand that. It takes more energy for men to say how they feel, share their problems, and even to share good news. Many think that talking is synonymous with putting themselves at risk. It’s an area they feel particularly unskilled in, and they’re afraid of slipping up.
Women, on the other hand, feel secure participating in a conversation about feelings. They feel as though it’s the starting point for almost everything. They use words to tell stories, but also to make demands and express their emotions.
Talk to vent your feelings, distance yourself to think
Here’s a simple example: boyfriend and girlfriend Jorge and Inés. Both work away from home, and in both of their offices, things aren’t going well. They both have to wait in terrible traffic in the middle of the city, argue with their bosses, think about how little money they’re earning…
When they get home, Jorge sits down on the couch to distract himself with a football game. But Inés wants to talk about what happened that day. One opts for the internal management of his problems, while the other opts for shared management of the same problems.
Like John Gray says in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, the main difference between the sexes is when men have a problem, they become introverted and concentrate on other things. You could say that they hide in their own little cave and isolate themselves from the outside world. It’s very hard for them to ask for advice or delegate tasks to others.
Women, on the other hand, become emotional, and this can be overwhelming for men. The way women alleviate their fears and worries is through talking and letting everything out, although it’s not always with the objective of finding or listening to solutions or opinions.
Each one faces problems in a different way. Maybe it’s because men feel the need to maintain their honor, while women have permission to cry and show their feelings.
Men and women need to understand each other
Regardless of biological, social, or evolutionary differences, we can’t remain passive every time we have to solve a problem or talk about a particular subject.
Let’s start with the lesson for women. It’s important to understand why your partner hides in his cave and feels safe in it (to the point that he doesn’t want to leave). This intimate and unbreakable space where nobody can get in allows him to reflect and make decisions once the storm has passed.
If you’re standing at the threshold and you want to trespass into his territory, even if you ask permission, it will be very difficult for him to welcome you in. It’s better to wait for him to decide to leave. The good thing is that in the meantime, both of you can calm down and find a more effective solution.
And now for the man’s lesson. When your partner starts to ask you about what happened and tries to make you stay with her instead of letting you take refuge, try to confront the situation. Women need to express themselves with words, gestures, and even tears and laughter to demonstrate how they’re feeling. They also need to feel supported by their partner and for him to listen to them.
How can we find a balance between these two attitudes? This is the heart of the matter, as they say. What if he hid in his cave of contemplation on his way home on the bus, while she talked with a friend to vent all the details about what happened? In this way, both of their behaviors will be much more relaxed when they get home.
This would be a good way to meet each other in the middle, between what each one tends to do in situations of conflict. One can’t obligate the other to talk or stay quiet, but if they show that they’re making an effort to avoid enlarging the gap between them, maybe they can find middle ground.
Above all, they’ll be able to avoid having arguments that hurt the relationship. Putting oneself in the other person’s shoes and understanding them is the first step towards avoiding conflicts and enjoying life together.