Trusting in Love When You've Been Hurt Before
Love isn’t a matter of faith, or even a matter of religion. Love is an affective and emotional experience that usually arrives unexpectedly.
No person can be forced to love or stop loving when it seems fit, such as when the feeling is not reciprocated, for example. And perhaps it is there, in that slight feeling of lack of control, where the real problem appears.
Love often plunges us into a shell of subtle fragility: everything that our partner does, says, and doesn’t say affects us more intensely.
Consequently, both happiness and suffering are experienced in a much stronger manner. For example, many people tend to behave in an almost incomprehensible way after suffering an emotional failure: to avoid pain, it’s better to flee.
That which pains us is best avoided. Pure classical conditioning. But…is this the right thing? Is it better to avoid falling in love again so as to not suffer?
And what’s more… how can we ever trust in love again?
When love hurts and disappoints
There is a common notion that love is synonymous with suffering. We believe that this feeling is uniquely associated with irrationality. Love and feelings do not go hand in hand with “thinking.”
But we must be clear that, sometimes, it’s not enough just to love, because affection is not the only pillar that upholds a couple’s success.
We must locate, rationalize and dominate the emotional madness as much as possible. There must be a balance between passion and rationality. Otherwise, we will end up losing ourselves.
Commitment, communication, affection, respect, empathy and personal growth, should without a doubt be the daily rocks upon which a couple should build their relationship.
But when one of these fails, when these pillars are broken, that’s when the pain and the disappointment appear.
All of us have our trust broken at some point in our lives. When we are children, our natural tendency is to trust others. But as we grow older, experience teaches us that people aren’t perfect – they’re fallible, and they can hurt us, both willingly and unwillingly.
Somehow, we are all exposed to pain. What’s more, we ourselves can also cause pain in others. It’s something we must always be clear about. Experts recommend one thing, above all else: the need to be realistic about love.
Don’t get carried away by the idea that the relationship you currently have will always be perfect. Remember that it’s a long process into which you must fit all the pieces, in which you will negotiate, and sometimes waive or defend.
A daily process where there is always a reciprocity to maintain the relationship. It’s about exercising a similar movement to that of a pendulum, going from “I” to “We.”
If you are aware that some of these things are not happening, keep a realistic mindset and prevent the pain from going on more than is absolutely necessary.
Trusting in love, again
Yes, it’s possible. You may be thinking that it’s best to avoid trusting anyone. Your past relationships ended in failure and you have already had enough bad experiences. You think that daily solitude is better than uncertainty and fear of being hurt, again.
If you believe this, try to assess the following points objectively. We lose nothing by thinking in other dimensions for a few moments …
To trust someone again, you must first trust yourself. Do you not have a right to be happy? Do you believe that you don’t deserve to have good times and share the experience of everyday life with someone else? The first step is to feel full, satisfied and happy with yourself. “I like myself just the way I am, I like the face that I see every morning and I feel satisfied with the life that I lead now.” All of these concepts are what give strength to our roots.
Good self-esteem and self-confidence will always make us stronger in the face of pain. If I know what I want, I immediately see the signs in the other person that I know are not good for me, and which I know can hurt me. “I love myself, and I choose to pick someone else to love and grow with, while always keeping my balance.”
Listen to your needs. Only you know at what point you are now. Only you know your past and how you have been hurt. And every wound requires a healing process, as we know. Hence, it is basic that we learn to listen to ourselves, and know what our needs are at all times.
It is imperative that we recover our self-love, and rebuild everything around us. We may feel that now is a good time to be alone, and enjoy time with our friends and family. No rush…
Slowly, we will begin to see the world around us with healed wounds, an open heart and a clear head. Confidence will arise gradually and steadily, at which point it will be time to embrace the unknown.
To live is to take risks, while being aware at all times that, yes, disappointment may reoccur. But perhaps it will be worthwhile, although brief… Perhaps the regret of not taking the risk will cause us more guilt.
So, is loving again, possible? Of course it is, and it depends solely on you.