Over Time I Learned That Whoever Isn't Looking For You Doesn't Miss You

Over Time I Learned That Whoever Isn't Looking For You Doesn't Miss You
Raquel Aldana

Written and verified by the psychologist Raquel Aldana.

Last update: 14 December, 2021

When over time we find only rejection and indifference in another person, it’s difficult for us to believe they are interested in us or that they love and miss us. It’s easy to think there is something in us that makes them reject us, and so we feel less valuable and this damages our self-esteem.

And although we all deserve to feel respected and loved by others, it does not always happen. Unfortunately, it is very common to encounter insults or disappointments throughout our lives.

Indifference and rejection generate great emotional pain, which can be just as difficult as physical pain, so we should not dismiss it. In fact, it has been found that indifference stimulates the same brain areas as physical pain and therefore can become equally unbearable mentally.

We must recognize that we have to devote time and effort to heal those wounds that led us to fall in the race for affection from someone who did not want us at their side.

Over time you learn to respect yourself and connect emotionally with those who deserve it

Over time you learn to respect yourself and you don’t let the indifference of others bother you as much. You learn to reconsider your relationships and to pay attention to your own emotional needs, as well as theirs. However, it is important to learn to recognize others’ attempts to “disconnect” from us (and vice versa). Here are some behaviors that create a feeling of indifference:

They don’t pay attention to you

If this happens we are sent a direct message: you do not interest me. Not that people who neglect others intend to do harm, but they are temporarily trapped by their own interests and fail to focus on the people around them.

For our part, the main antidote to avoid showing disinterest and indifference is to ask what purpose the relationship has for us. Thus, if we want to connect we must be present when we are with other people, and give them our full attention.

blonde woman sprigs


If instead of maintaining an attitude of empathic listening in every interaction, the other shows a certain indifference, hostility and defensiveness, then attempts to create a connection are being sabotaged.

When exchanges begin with negative, accusatory or critical attitudes it is easy to predict how the conversation or relationship will develop from that moment. Since we do not want the other person feel slighted, it is important that we are careful in the way we direct ourselves towards others.

Avoiding difficult conversations

Another of the most common ways we are shown indifference is when we avoid those conversations that should be had to fix something that is wrong. This obviously damages our relationships and takes a toll on us.

In fact, the strongest disagreements often arise between those who let the tension grow and generate more and more confusion. This dampens the relationship and creates distances that eventually become insurmountable.

woman dignity

It is important that we learn to detect these signs and that we perfect the way we connect emotionally with others. However, we must also be able to recognize which side the balance is on when we reconsider fighting to maintain a relationship.

We need to protect ourselves from the interests and selfishness of others. How? By revaluing ourselves. A person’s attention doesn’t have as much weight in our lives as the coldness and indifference that hits us by surprise.

So maybe the key is to give it time, understand this and become aware of the importance of recognizing, taking care of and assisting ourselves. Because if we are not good to ourselves it will be much easier for our authenticity and well-being to deteriorate. And this, of course, is not worth it.

Note to the reader

If you want to delve further into emotional communication issues, we recommend reading the book entitled “The Relationship Cure” by John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.