The Paradox of Being a Loner and Finding Love

Being a loner and finding love is quite feasible. This is because loners also long for it. They know the kind of relationship they want and what they expect from their partner. This may be why it's so hard for them to find the "perfect" person.
The Paradox of Being a Loner and Finding Love
Valeria Sabater

Written and verified by the psychologist Valeria Sabater.

Last update: 15 November, 2021

Is being a loner and finding love possible? Loners are often misconstrued as maladjusted people, outsiders in the social world, and shy. They’re those “weirdos” one never quite understands. All of these are myths, as a person who enjoys their solitude doesn’t necessarily dislike human connection. In fact, they don’t want to give up on love when the opportunity arises.

Yes, it sounds complicated and even contradictory. The kind of solitude a person may choose always conforms to a rather characteristic and specific lifestyle. One in which there are no rules or agreements. Their home is theirs and they’re in full control over any activities and tasks that may go on there. A loner doesn’t need formal ties and doesn’t care to be a part of other people’s commitments.

So how can they adjust their personality with the firm desire to find real, authentic, and lasting love? There are some strategies. However, we must clarify a series of dimensions that’ll allow them to take action and find that person they can bring into their unique universe. This is because, as Arthur Schopenhauer pointed out, to be alone is the fate of all great minds. Finding someone who feels life in the same way is undoubtedly the best thing that can happen to someone.

“I never felt right being alone; sometimes it felt good but it never felt right.”

-Charles Bukowski-

A man looking at his phone.

Being a loner and finding love

This type of profile often referred to as “a lone wolf” is little more than a setback because wolves actually live in packs and are highly social animals. The loners are the bears, koalas, and lionfish, a fascinating sea creature capable of striking at anyone who approaches it with its poisonous fins.

As you can see, there’s also an abundance of loners in nature. However, the exception is the solitary person is already integrated into a social setting and, on average, has learned to shift between the two spheres.

Even if they’re able to move effectively between groups, these types of people go back to their own shelters as soon as they can. This is because their solitude is voluntary so it doesn’t hurt. Instead, it balances and enriches.

However, loners don’t necessarily give up on new friendships or romantic relationships. This is mainly because falling in love pleases and excites everyone. So how can you find love when you’re a loner? Here are some strategies to consider.

Wanting vs. needing a partner

Do you want to find someone to love to share projects, experiences, and future plans with or are you just looking for someone to ease your loneliness? You must be clear on this. Many people define themselves as loners and don’t hesitate to express that “this is how they like it”.

However, it’s far from being so in many instances and some have no choice. Thus, they want someone who can help them relieve their loneliness. This isn’t the best reason to find a partner though. The wisest thing to do is enjoy your solitude and learn to love yourself unconditionally.

Only then will you be prepared to find and keep that special someone. Only this way will you be prepared to enjoy someone’s company and not just keep them around because you desperately need them.

Be clear about what kind of relationship you want to have

Are you wondering how a loner can find love? Ask yourself what kind of relationship you’re looking for. You may not want a commitment to a common living arrangement. Also, you may want to share your time and your life with that person only on the weekends.

You may want to take it slow, without commitments or strings attached, and allow the relationship to mature and make decisions as you go. In any case, you should be very clear about this and, at the same time, tell the other person what you want and what you’re looking for so you don’t feed any false expectations they might have about it.

A person on a swing.

Loners have an advantage in a world where many people feel lonely

Weird, asocial, unpleasant… There are hundreds of epithets for loners. Most are myths, though. They’re outsiders in a world where many people feel lonely. This is because they’re neither in pain nor uncomfortable. On the contrary, they enjoy their alone time and their chosen existence.

All of this is an advantage. Therefore, don’t think people are that different. The main thing that’s dazzling about a loner is that they feel good about themselves. Yes, they’ve learned to enjoy their solitude and the rich inner world that comes with it. These types of people have fewer fears and insecurities and those are rather attractive traits people fall in love with.

Take advantage of your temperance, your sense of reflection, your open mind, the strength that defines you in the face of difficulties, and your inherent inner loyalty. It’s all very attractive.

Being a loner and finding love is possible, just look for spaces to connect

Many people live in solitude in a world that’s more globalized than ever. In fact, they’re lonelier than you might think even though they see and feel the world the same way you do. Thus, this technology-based society offers many wonderful channels that are worth taking advantage of.

Look for people you like in different groups and spaces in social networks. There are dating apps where everyone describes their profile, what they’re looking for, and what they expect from a partner.

Being a loner and finding love is possible when you know what you want. Thus, it’s possible to find what you’re looking for. You must be honest about the type of relationship you want. Don’t just look for someone to relieve your loneliness.

Finding love when you’re a loner is neither a contradiction nor an impossibility. Is it truly what you want? Go for it, then!

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.