We Need to Talk: The 4 Words Every Partner Dreads

We Need to Talk: The 4 Words Every Partner Dreads

Last update: 13 August, 2019

It feels like the world is going to end when your partner says, “we need to talk.” For a second your heart sinks and you start to think the worst. What did you do that could have gotten you into trouble? Did you forget their birthday or your anniversary? But it’s often something much simpler than that. Usually, they simply want to communicate with you.

Talking should be a part of a couple’s daily routine. From the very beginning, communication is necessary in a relationship in order to get to know the other person in every respect. Nobody can read anybody else’s mind, and therefore, if you don’t communicate, your partner can’t know what you’re thinking or feeling.

Sometimes people are afraid of talking about certain subjects, especially at the beginning of a relationship. But it’s important to know that for the relationship to become truly intimate and long-lasting, you have to be yourself, in every sense. For that to happen, it’s essential to trust each other enough to talk about all subjects.

If it’s hard for you to talk about certain topics due to shame or fear of what the other person will think, find a way to express yourself that you’re comfortable with, but don’t put it aside. Discussing all kinds of topics is very important, and in this article I’m going to talk about a few of the big ones and give you a few tips that can improve your communication with your partner.

Tell me what you’re thinking, love. I want to know you in every sense, I want to savor your voice.

We need to talk about sex

We need to talk about sex. Each partner has their baggage from previous relationships. Or maybe they don’t, but it’s good to know. You don’t have to tell them every sexual detail, but it is good for them to know what you like, and what you think you would like, in this context.

I want to know your body before I touch it, because no two bodies are the same.

It’s crucial that you tell them your fears. That you talk about safe sex. That you understand that sex is a broad concept and doesn’t just refer to intercourse. You have to have trust to have freedom, and to know if there’s something you need to change.

Regarding sex, no amount of conversation between partners is too much. Sex is one more part of your life together, and every day something can change. Talking about sex can be highly useful even when you’ve been together for a long time. With age and pregnancy, the body changes, as do concerns, and therefore it’s also good for your sexual life to evolve.

Talking about bodily changes, concerns, desires, fantasies, and fears about sex will always improve trust in a relationship. Remember that as long as it’s consensual, there’s nothing bad about sex, but in order to enjoy it, first you have to talk about it and get to know each other’s preferences.

couple's hips

We need to talk about emotions

We need to talk about emotions because they’re the glue of the relationship. In our relationship, we’re like two people with one heartbeat.

If your partner doesn’t explicitly tell you, you don’t always know if they were hurt by a comment or action of yours. You also can’t know if they had a bad day at work if they don’t tell you. Each person has to know themselves and recognize their own emotions in order to communicate them to someone else. It’s essential to have emotional intelligence in order to be able to communicate through emotions.

Understand that your partner is not the same as you and respect that. Respect their silences and moments of solitude. Sometimes, communication can’t be immediate, because the emotions are overwhelming and they might need time to digest what happened. This can only be understood with communication and empathy, which can only be earned with time and trust in the relationship.

Everybody has bad days, but it’s better to talk about it before you hurt someone with your attitude about it.

We need to talk about us

When two people trust each other enough to say what they think and respect what they say, it’s almost the perfect relationship.

couple on dock

In short, we need to talk about us, about our shared dreams and goals, as well as our differences. But how can you talk about all this? How do you bring up these subjects in a relationship? Below, we’ll give you a few guidelines to improve communication in your relationship:

  • Talk and argue with your partner about different opinions with respect and affection. This includes listening to them calmly, even when you think they’re wrong.
  • No shouting. You won’t be right just because you’re talking louder. If you’re not satisfied with what they’re saying, listen and then make your argument, but without losing composure.
  • Communicate without using labels that discredit them. Nothing should be censored, except insults. In order to talk about certain subjects with trust, you have to set criticism aside and admit that you might be wrong without giving into the temptation of insulting them.
  • Don’t throw other things in their face that bother you, but that you didn’t intend to talk about in that moment. When something bothers you, it’s best to say it, no matter how little the problem is. Holding in those minor annoyances to give you ammo during big arguments is like collecting dynamite to add to an exploding bomb. You won’t just be hurting them, but also the bond that you have, which you’re a part of.
  • Respect their silences. If your partner tells you it’s not the time to talk about a particular subject, respect that. Sometimes emotions must be digested before they’re expressed so that nobody accidentally gets hurt.
  • If it matters to you, it’s important. Share everything that worries you and that affects both of you with your partner so that you can have a strong and lasting relationship.

Communication is one of the basic pillars of a successful relationship. By talking to and understanding each other, you’ll make the relationship last. So stop trembling at the words “we need to talk,” and start communicating without fear.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.