Love Should Be About Happiness Not Sorrow

Love is always worth it, at any age, in any circumstance. However, not all kinds of love are good for us. Not love that causes harm, not love that suffocates you and keeps you from being yourself, causing something within you to unravel in the tangle of unhappiness.

Nobody comes into this world as a true guru of loving relationships. We learn, suffer, cry, laugh, and learn again. We learn through our most intense emotions, the ones that break us in half or enrich our lives like wise souls with open hearts.

Love is an adventure, and at the same time, a leap into the unknown. Taking that chance will always be worth it if we use our self-esteem as a parachute and set limits and priorities with maturity. And your main priority should always be your happiness. 

How can we make sure our love has more joy than suffering?

There is no magical formula that works the same for everyone. Each one of us has our own story, with our own values and ways of understanding personal relationships. However, given that we all want to be happy and to not suffer, it’s necessary that we keep these interesting points in mind, which can give you some direction.

1. Don’t idealize the person you love

More than once you’ll surprise yourself talking about your partner with someone: “They’re the perfect man/woman. They know how I feel just by looking at me, they make me laugh and dream, everything about them is perfect. I’m incredibly lucky.”

This could really be true, this person could actually have great virtues . However, you should avoid seeing the world through rose-colored glasses that keep you from seeing reality.

Love overflows and inflames us. It makes us feel fifteen again and prevents us from seeing that we’re projecting our own desires and needs onto our partner.

Never idealize. See the person you love exactly the way they are, in all their complexity, with all their virtues and flaws, which you also have. Love is ultimately a great struggle to unite two imperfect people to create a perfect pair, and we assure you it’s worth the effort.

2. Don’t give it all away for nothing

What would you do for love? Would you leave your family? Would you move to a different city? Would you leave your friends? Would you put your needs before your partner’s? Would you throw aside your own values for them? Think about it objectively.

Love does not mean giving all you have for nothing in return. Loving relationships are a continuous exchange where both win and nobody loses. It’s not about a game of power, it’s about a balance of richness and discovery, of mutual effort and compromise.

3. Love without being possessive

When walls and restraints appear in a relationship, you start to run out of air. If your partner prohibits you from doing something or starts fights with you, if their words are laced with blackmail, victimization, accusations, and ultimatums, this love carries a lot of sorrow, not joy.

When love is dependent, possessive, and controlling, it is not a mature or conscious love. It’s a selfish love that puts its own needs and fears first. Free yourself from it.

4. True love starts with yourself

Is it selfish to love yourself? Not at all. There are people who spend their whole lives waiting for the perfect person, jumping from relationship to relationship without ever finding the person they dreamed about.

Don’t look for someone to fill your emptiness or relieve your fears. Turn yourself into your ideal person, mature, balanced, and secure with everything in the world, including yourself.

If you don’t start to love yourself, you’ll spend your whole life wanting others to love you and meet the needs that you feel in that moment. You shouldn’t obligate anyone to fix your problems  or your shortcomings, or to heal your wounds. You can’t obligate anyone to love you unconditionally if you don’t love yourself first.

If you love yourself, respect yourself, and aren’t afraid of being alone, you’ll be capable of offering a more complete, wise, and mature love to the other person. A love that will fill you with happiness, not suffering.

A love that knows no suffering is one that is offered with maturity and integrity without asking anything in return. A relationship capable of enriching each other without blackmail is formed by two people who complement each other, who make life a beautiful, joyful adventure – one that can be learned from every day.

Image courtesy of: David Renshaw