Do You Know How Perverse Communication Works?

In order to destabilize an individual, you don’t need to create a direct conflict or exert physical violence. The use of irony, mocking or insinuations form part of a type of communication among peers, in which one party is harmed. We’re talking about perverse communication. It can take place between a couple, friends and within the workplace.

Perverse communication refers to psychological torture towards a peer. It makes no noise, but nevertheless destabilizes and confuses the individual it is directed towards. All of this can begin with a simple act of disrespect without, of course, the sensation of guilt from the person who emits it.

In order to perform this type of communication, it’s enough to have an individual tease the personal tastes of a peer, their achievements or expectations, both in private as well as in public. It is also common for them to deny the other person the opportunity to express themselves or to make insinuations about the other person without later clarifying them.

Other times it is as simple as not talking to someone anymore. These actions are normally accompanied by nonverbal communication which include haughty glances or inordinate sighs.

“One word in due time can kill or humiliate without one getting his hands dirty.”
-Pierre Desproges-

Irony and teasing: two forms of perverse communication

Irony and teasing are two weapons that this kind of individual makes use of, and which will determine relationships. At first, this attitude can give off the impression of a strong individual, since it gives him the position of “someone who knows what they’re doing”.

This leads to the collective belief that this person “is simply like that”. Deep down, it creates unpleasant climates and atmospheres, which are not recommendable in every field and aspect of their life that this attitude extends to. An attitude which, in turn, contributes to them never being able to create spaces of completely sincere and intimate communication.

This way, the listener ends up putting up with the sarcasms, indifference and contempt of their partner, friend or coworker, as if these were the price to pay to maintain a relationship with this individual. One that is viewed as attractive, but extremely complicated.

Sarcasm and mild contempt are used as small, soft strokes which bother and disturb the other person. Strokes which often take place in front of other people. Furthermore, they tend to rely on the reinforcement and support of an accomplice who forms part of their social group. The aggression is so insidious that the receiver can even doubt if it’s serious, or simply a joke that they should just accept.

The vicious circle of these toxic relationships

This actions are so ordinary that they seem normal. They start with a simple disrespectful act. Yet, it leads to continuous attacks, which will have important consequences in the victim’s psychological health.

It’s about something cryptic, and which forms part of our daily lives. The victims end up simply accepting it. They end up elevating these people with the clear certainty that it’s better to be with them than against them. This leads to an authentic distortion of the relationship between the two parties.

Marie-France Irigoyen talks about this kind of violence. The kind which begins stealthily and gradually, and in which the person harmed doesn’t react in order to counterattack. Instead, they manifest the type of attitude which most feeds the hidden aggressions: excessive kindness. They think that if they can get the person to like them a bit more, at some point they’ll become kind.

Let’s not forget that if at some point the harmed individual decides to rebel, the “superior being” will make sure to stop them. They will prevent any ability of critical thinking and make them lose the notion of their own identity.

How to put an end to this type of relationship

People who are insecure about themselves are more susceptible to being captured by manipulators. This type of person puts the opinions of others before their own. They believe that others will always know more about any given topic.

After everything we have explained, which individual is truly insecure, the one who is being manipulated or the one who needs to manipulate others in order to feel strong in everyday situations? Thus, we now clarify the need to educate children about respecting others from a very young age. We must understand that each individual is unique and unrepeatable, and that they shouldn’t be a threat to his peers.

You hold the same value, the same worth as any of the people around you (no more, no less). Keep your head held high wherever you go. Because your physique, opinions, aspirations and objectives are worthy of being appreciated.