Some Breakups Teach You What You Don’t Want to Know About Love

· December 27, 2016

Today I have the feeling that you no longer love me, but I am also aware that this has been going on for some time, and it’s not something that’s just arising today. It’s been a while since you’ve felt anything for me, and our emotional separation has taught me some things about love.

I have learned that it is better to let you go and to get on with our lives separately. There are things I do not want to know, but that I need to know to learn from myself and the things I don’t wish to repeat.

I never wanted to know that without the sex, you didn’t want or love me. That if you didn’t call me it was because you didn’t care to know how I was doing. That if you undermine me, that means you don’t respect me. Now I know more – now I know the truth. And even though I didn’t want to see the stark reality, at least I have learned what I don’t want.

“All lives can be told as a novel, each of us is the protagonist of his own legend.”  
-Isabel Allende

couple by ocean gold

Learning what you don’t want to know about love

In many cases, learning is difficult, because it means that you have to learn a lesson from a situation that has pained you. But that wisdom can help us avoid repeating the things that haven’t made us happy in the past. Learning is tough, but necessary. This is what I’ve learned from my painful experiences with love:

You don’t care what happens to me

Indifference is one of the things that hurts us the most. Sometimes, it hides behind a behavior supposedly learned by another person: “I was taught to be this way.” But why do we have to resign ourselves to such behavior? It’s about adapting to the positive, and not the negative.


It’s about finding a balance – about making an effort to make each other happy, while still being ourselves. A person that claims to love you but acts indifferent doesn’t love you, at all. Even though you live together, it’s possible to be emotionally separated.

“The challenge is to create our identity, not repeat our social or family pattern.  It’s up to us to choose to imitate…or revolutionize.
-Irene Orce


You don’t respect me – you only tolerate me

Respect in a relationship is essential. It’s not enough to just be tolerated. Are you really about to settle for mere tolerance? It’s about demanding respect: respect for who you are, without trying to change you. It’s about respecting your decisions, your mindset, feelings and way of life.

Human rights are not foreign to us. There are great loves, but there are also manipulative people who will only ensure their own interests.

It’s not about you loving me a lot – it’s about loving me right

I’m not won over with an “I love you”, and it’s not a question of quantity. I don’t want quantity; I want quality. I want you to love me right, to make me happy, to make me feel your love, with every thought and every caress.

If you love me so much, there can’t be all this indifference, disrespect and contempt. What does “I love you so much” even mean? Excessive love proves nothing. A cheerful love that makes you happy and gives you joy – that’s the love that gives you warmth that embraces you and makes you feel good.

sleeping couple on grass

If you don’t admire me, you don’t love me

Lack of admiration is simply another form of indifference. What is it that you like about your partner? What is it about them that you truly admire? It may be several different things: their mindset, their gaze, the way they dress, move, talk… Or perhaps it’s all of those things at once. And what does your partner admire about you? If your partner is not able to answer that question, something is definitely off track.

Sex doesn’t imply affection

Sex is a key factor in any relationship. But sex by itself is not enough – you also need the tenderness, the caresses and the kisses… Because sex is not a sign of love. The fact that you two have sex does not mean that you are loved by that person or that they are even affectionate towards you, because it’s possible to be distanced and apart, yet continue to have sex.

Heartbreak that frees you

Heartbreak hurts, and it hurts a lot. We cry, reminisce, ask for explanations… But even so, we still feel bad. Like any pain, only time will allow it to dissipate. But it’s also crucial that you see your heartbreak as a symbol of liberation and freedom, and as an opportunity to learn who we truly are, what has happened and why, how to learn from it and how to move on.

paper heart torn on wood

If your partner is going to disappear, may they do it as soon as possible. If you feel bad in your current relationship and your partner breaks up with you, you should welcome it with open arms.  Yes – you will cry, but you should be joyful when people who do not make you happy, do not respect you or make you feel bad, disappear from your life. Learn this and you’ll begin to feel love once more.

“Blessed be the heartbreak that frees you from the person who embitters your life.  Blessed be the heartbreak that you let go that allows you to be yourself.”
-Walter Riso

Images courtesy of Christian Schloe