5 Tips for Courtship the 21st Century

· February 21, 2016

“Courtship” is an outdated term, but mastering the art of flirting, pursuing a romantic interest, and bonding is important if we are interested in finding a mate, either for a casual relationship or for building a future together. It may seem silly, but possessing certain qualities that allow us to intimately know and bond with another person can actually turn us into a verifiable “Don Juan.” The problem is that many times we miss opportunities or we are not able to take the necessary step to get to know someone.

“Flirting is like taking a pill. You never know exactly what the side effects may be.” 

-Catherine Deneuve-

Waiting to take the first step? 

It seems like we are always waiting for the other person to make the first move. Maybe not even the first move; it may be waiting for a boyfriend or girlfriend to say they want a commitment, or to live together. Sometimes, after waiting for so long, that potential relationship ends up wasting away, and we end up alone. 

legs in waves on beach bond

This more commonly happens to women, most likely because of their education and the hyper-romantic and chauvinistic ideas that society has instilled in us over the course of our entire life.

In the past, and even now, it was not well-received for a woman to take the first step. It was the man who was responsible for playing the role of the suitor, and win over the woman. If a woman were to pursue a man, she would be described in a variety of colorful ways, none of them positive.

These days, women no longer are under such societal pressure in this way, although there still remain certain gaps.

Regardless of gender, if we want to go after someone we really like, we have to follow a few important steps, from the psychological point of view.

What are the keys to successful courtship?

1. Lose the fear of rejection

Many people are not able to put themselves out there to bond with someone else because of the fear of causing a negative reaction. It hurts a lot to be rejected. It is like a punch that hits our ego and makes us feel deflated.


We must realize and be aware that rejection is completely normal because it is impossible to please everyone, and to be liked by everyone.

Although we believe that we are good-looking, or very nice people, beauty is something so subjective that one person may find us gorgeous, while another does not find us attractive at all. In some cases, it may be the way we behave that makes us attractive or not to different people.

So, prepare yourself for rejection, because we are all bound to experience it. But, relax! Rejection has never killed anyone.

2. Trust yourself

This point goes hand in hand with the first point. If you trust yourself, you will accept those rejections much more easily. You will also enjoy successful relationships more.

Being confident in oneself means unconditionally accepting and loving oneself, regardless of whether or not another person does.

On the other hand, it is important to know that, contrary to what we think, the physical aspect is not actually very important when it comes to bonding. A person who is physically average but confident in themselves can attract many more people than a very beautiful person who is insecure.

We always project onto others that which we think about ourselves. Therefore, if you value yourself, you like yourself, and you love and care for yourself as you are, others will do so also. 

“Trust in oneself is the first step on the stairway to success.” 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

3. Imagine you are a door-to-door salesman

Yes, that’s right. Imagine that you are selling “something” to “someone” and that some will buy the product and others will not.

Just like what happens to a door-to-door salesman, there are some people who are interested and others who don’t even open the door. It is normal, and is a question of statistics. There is always a sales ratio.

Overall, it is important to not miss out on the opportunities that arise. In other words, we have to ring the door bell of every good-looking house that we come across. We have to accept that it is possible that a door will open, but also that it may not.

4. Touch, smile, and be a little mischievous 

Body language is very important and always communicates more than we are able to verbalize.

couple laughing on grass bond

Studies have shown that people who smile more are much more attractive and project charisma. This is also true of people who are comfortable being physically close, who touch the other’s back, or leans on their shoulder. For these kinds of people, building a bond comes naturally.

On the other hand, it is important to be a little bit mischievous with the other person, but always in moderation.

A phrase said at the right moment, or a smile and a wink, lets the other person know that we find them attractive and we are interested in them.

5. Find points in common

In this day and age, almost everyone is connected through social networks online, and it is much easier to say something through a written message instead of face to face. This is an advantage, and we can use it to help us to reach out to someone, and bond with that person. 

Once we have established contact, we should find a point of common interest that can be a jumping off point, and create an opportunity to make a date. In other words, through messaging we can find some kind of “excuse” to invite that person to go out, which could be considered a big step.

Finally, the most important thing is to be true to who we are, to trust ourselves, and to feel secure and confident. Inevitably, we will bond with someone else, and over time, or maybe all at once, everything will fall into place.