Someone Who Is Constantly Absent Quickly Becomes Unneeded

Someone Who Is Constantly Absent Quickly Becomes Unneeded
Valeria Sabater

Written and verified by the psychologist Valeria Sabater.

Last update: 15 November, 2021

In life you have to be present. Present in body, mind and heart, and this is what we expect from those people we consider as significant in our day to day lives.

However, there are times throughout our lives we begin to perceive certain gaps. We see how promises are broken and silences appear. The coy glances and doubts…

There is no absence more painful than that of who, despite being with us, embraces us with indifference, inattention or irony. Few forms of loneliness can cause so much suffering.

People become absent through the complex situations that stretch over time through lies or half-truths are created. Or they are absent because they constantly have their head somewhere else and don’t pay attention to what’s around them.

When we make empty offers to people who are part of our present we hurt and delude ourselves. It is not right for either of the two parties. However, there are also those who do not realize that theirs is not a satisfying, healthy and emotionally secure link.

There are people who simply do not know how to love. They do not know to be present because they only care about themselves.

The emptiness of the being that is absent

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In fact, and although it may surprise us, there are many forms of absence. Some people instead of living seem to just wander through life, and nothing really grabs their interest. And there are those who, after having established a relationship, either emotional or a friendship, begin to show disinterest and apathy overnight.

A relationship with someone who is emotionally absent is a fragile bond, a frozen embrace that most often precedes the goodbye; a farewell that fill us with disbelief and disappointment.

There are many people we have left behind simply because the bonds were frozen. Because we saw fatigue or lack of interest in their eyes, or because being absent was the only way to be in balance.

The absent father or mother

There are many children that perceive one of their parents to be emotionally distant and even inaccessible beings. Within this definition, we can distinguish two types.

  • Tyrant parents: this can be the mother or father. Either parent disciplines based on tyranny, where there is no understanding, listening or empathy, let alone the emotional closeness that every child needs to grow.
  • Parents lacking a bond: it may happen sometimes that the father or the mother is not too interested in knowing how their child is or what their child does or doesn’t do. There is no closeness, they do not impose, they do not argue, nor do they accompany or educate them. Communication is scarce and limited to “providing”, working and supporting their family.


dandelion with blue butterfly

The absent partner

Real presence has nothing to do with physical space. Just because someone is with us at our side doesn’t mean that “they are present”, that they listen to us and even less that they offer us reciprocity.

It is possible that your partner has other interests that they do not reveal, such as their desires to escape to other areas, and because of indecision, selfishness or fear, they do not dare say it out loud. It is a very destructive situation.

The absent partner is one that either looks away when they are with us, or lacks genuine empathy and emotions to express closeness and affection. Whatever the case, both situations offer a high amount of suffering.

Learning to be present

In order to offer happiness to the people we love “it is not enough to just be there.” It is important to learn to be present not only for the welfare of others, but for our own psychological and emotional balance.

Here we explain some simple ways to do it:

  • Feel more and think less. Live your day with all of your senses, let life go by slowly and learn to find delight in the simplest things: the laughter of your children, the voice of your partner, the breeze at sunset, morning coffee and that fresh pillow that rocks you to sleep at night.
  • Always return. Why are you absent from this moment? Maybe you’re remembering something from the past, you may be regretting a mistake or maybe you’re thinking about that project tomorrow. Come back, always come back and appreciate what you have before you, the here and now.
  • Connect with your present emotion. Often in the day, we connect more with emotions of the past. Perhaps by nostalgia, by remorse, by remembering the disappointment of yesterday. However, all this is only the past, and the past cannot be erased or edited. Learn to recognize and live your present emotion.
man on bike surrounded by fish

Being present or absent always depends on what we feel: if you love, do it with authenticity and fill empty spaces. But when you love, move away without leaving scars.

Images courtesy of “Art in the dark” and Christian Schloe

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.