6 Signs of a Demiromantic

Do you need time to fall in love? Would you rather start relationships as friends? Maybe you're demiromantic. We'll tell you what that means.

Written and verified by the psychologist Elena Sanz.

Last update: 13 February, 2024

Are you surprised at how some people around you fall in love so easily and quickly? A few days or weeks is enough for them to develop feelings that, in your case, may take months to cultivate. For you, romantic attraction is preceded by an emotional bond; you could never feel love for someone you barely know. If this sounds like you, perhaps you’re a demiromantic.

Although in your close circle, it may seem like no one thinks and feels the same way you do, the truth is you’re not alone. While there’s not much data in this regard, the National Survey on Sexual and Gender Diversity carried out in Mexico in 2021 found that more than 11% of the LGBTI+ population self-identifies with an orientation other than homosexuality and bisexuality, including pansexuality, asexuality, and demisexuality, among others.

How can you know if you’re demiromantic? What exactly does this label denote? Get to know more in the article below.

What does it mean to be demiromantic?

To understand this term well, it’s important to discuss the split attraction model (SAM). This affirms that the attraction that a person experiences isn’t unitary but is divided into categories. In this regard, sexual orientation and romantic orientation don’t have to be the same, and it’s necessary to define both.

Demiromanticism is a type of orientation that refers to those individuals who only develop love attraction after establishing an emotional connection or bond with that person. For example, through a friendship. In other words, they need time, shared experiences, and getting to know each other well before they feel romantically interested.

Somehow, a demiromantic falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. At one end of it would be alloromantics, who are those who can experience romantic attraction for someone of the opposite gender, the same gender as themselves, or any other gender, and there are also those who are aromantics (who feel little or no love interest towards others).

How is demiromanticism related to demisexuality?

Now, following the aforementioned SAM model, being demiromantic is different from being demisexual. The first term refers to orientation in terms of love interest, while the second refers to sexual attraction. It’s possible for both conditions to converge in the same person, but that isn’t always the case. Therefore, combinations such as the following are likely:

• Demiromantic and allosexual (needs a bond in order to fall in love, but not in order to experience sexual desire).
• Demiromantic and demisexual (needs emotional connection both to feel love and to experience sexual attraction).
• Demiromantic and asexual (feels love attraction under certain circumstances but doesn’t feel sexual attraction).

And the same thing happens in reverse. That is, a demisexual person (who needs a bond to experience physical desire) can feel romantic attraction under any circumstances (alloromantic) or under none at all (arromantic).

Signs that you’re a demiromantic

The above terms may confuse you. Therefore, it’s pertinent to review the characteristics that will help you identify if you’re a demiromantic. Take note.

1. You rarely fall in love

You don’t easily experience romantic attraction to other people. It’s hard to fall in love.

2. You cultivate interest

You need more time than usual (compared to your environment) to develop a love interest toward someone.

3. You demand an emotional bond

There has to be a substantial emotional bond first. You like to get to know the person, understand them, and make a connection before that romantic interest can blossom.

4. You don’t believe in love at first sight

For you, love at first sight is a true myth. Nothing so primary or visible (such as physical appearance or attitude) can make you feel romantic attraction toward someone–not even the first few dates are enough for this to happen.

5. In the beginning, you prefer friendship

The love interest a person can arouse is based on the information you get from that person as you get to know them and spend time with them. Because of this, you prefer to form a friendship first.

6. A serious relationship takes time

All these requirements don’t necessarily apply when it comes to sexual desire. You can feel attracted to another person and have a sexual relationship with them without having had much connection. But establishing a serious romantic relationship will take you a long time.

How do you relate to someone who’s a demiromantic?

If there’s a demiromantic person in your environment or you’re interested in someone with such an orientation, you may be wondering what to expect from this person or how to relate to them. So, here are some recommendations and questions to consider:

• Begin by being their friend, accomplice, and confidant.
• Don’t expect demonstrations or declarations of love during the first moments. Remember that those feelings will take time to develop.
• Avoid judging the person or taking things for granted; don’t assume they’re a loner, playing hard-to-get, afraid of commitment, or that they hate sex. Instead, ask questions and show an interest in getting to know their true reality.
• Try to understand their point of view. Information about the other person and the existence of a bond are crucial in this case. In their absence, a love interest won’t be aroused. And this doesn’t depend on the demiromantic person’s lack of desire.
• Open up emotionally if you want to conquer a demiromantic person. Self-disclosure (opening up about yourself) is a great starting point for creating emotional intimacy. These moments will be key to giving rise to greater harmony.
• Don’t force them to change or adapt to what society considers “normal.” Demiromantic people deserve the same respect as anyone else. It can be awkward and embarrassing to be questioned about why it takes them so long to develop a love interest and pressured into trying to change that trait.

If you’re a demiromantic, there’s nothing wrong with you

Being a demiromantic isn’t a disease or a problem but rather an orientation within the wide range that exists in this regard. For the same reason, there’s no need to talk about causes or treatments. If the difficulties in falling in love are due to traumas, bad past experiences, or poor social skills, for example, then demiromanticism isn’t the case, and professional support is appropriate.

Demiromanticism is a preference; it’s a way of feeling and facing relationships, and it’s just as legitimate as any other. Even demiromantic people enjoy long and satisfying relationships as they invest time and dedication in getting to know their partner.

With a solid friendship or connection as a foundation and a deep understanding of one another, it’s easier for the relationship to thrive. In fact, research published in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that those individuals whose spouse was also their best friend experienced double the well-being and happiness.

Therefore, if you’re a demiromantic and you’ve felt alone, strange, or rejected by your environment, seek to understand and accept yourself. Don’t try to force yourself to change to fit the norm. Remember that being authentic and genuine is what brings you closer to happiness.