Demisexuality: when Emotions Generate Desire

Last update: 01 April, 2020

Man kissing his girlfriend's forehead

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. It describes those who only feel a sexual attraction for people with whom they have established a strong emotional connection. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) coined the term in 2006. You can say that emisexuality is the halfway point between sexuality and asexuality. However, that doesn’t mean that a demisexual person has an incomplete sexuality. They simply need to establish a strong emotional connection to enjoy sexual experiences.

Some demisexuals behave and identify as asexual before they experience the emotion bond necessary for them to feel sexual. In addition, they are not attracted to any particular gender or type. They can feel attraction for any human being. These are not the type to feel love at first sight. They need time to connect with the other person and become attracted to who they are on the inside.

Demisexuals have probably always existed. Until recently, however, there was no clear definition of this sexual orientation. Therefore, it is difficult to know how many people identify as demisexual. Experts believe it is quite common, especially among women. 

Social networks give visibility, under new lexical paradigms, to concepts that have existed throughout life. Looking for labels to define relationships is not new. But it is a human need to function within certain stereotypes and prejudices that society has established.

Couple smiles and holds hands exhibit demisexuality

Demisexuality: different ways to desire

Love and desire are two different concepts.  You don’t love everything you want and you don’t want everything that you love.  The way you desire and love is personal. So, one doesn’t have to come before the other. There may not even be a difference, depending on the person.

Holly Richmond, sexologist and couple’s therapy specialist, affirms that “A person who is not demisexual, when they meet someone, usually forms a degree of physical attraction in a matter of seconds.

In demisexuality, on the other hand, there isn’t any kind of physical attraction on the first impression. It’s really about romantic feelings, love and friendship. Sexual attraction and desire are second and certainly not the driving force.” In other words, it is totally different from Hollywood movies where people fall in lust at first sight.

Demisexuality: love with fire

Demisexuality can be defined as friendship that lights a fire. It’s not that demisexual people have a higher moral standard than others. It’s just that the primary attraction is emotion.

As with everyone, the process of attraction to another person is both physical and psychological. Demisexuals can and do enjoy sex, but only with those with whom they already have an emotional relationship. Once they find the right partner, the frequency of sexual intercourse can be like that of any other couple.

Finally, it is important to understand that demisexuality is not a pathology. It is true that it doesn’t fit into the traditional model of human sexuality but they can freely choose who they want to be with. You learn to love not when you find the perfect person but when you learn to believe in an imperfect person.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.