Scared and Confused, but Alive
The majority of things that we lose, we lose because of the fear of loss. Sometimes when we look back, we realize that the stages of our lives in which everything was peaceful and controlled are the least memorable. We see that those parts of life that we spent feeling out of control, confused, unstable, and in constant change are those that were so full of emotion that they come back to us so clearly. Those difficult times were the times we truly felt alive.
It seems that in life, it is certain that you can spend years without living completely, and then your life becomes concentrated in just one moment. It is as if all of your dreams, longings, passions, and aspirations become concentrated in all of their completeness and honesty, in just one second.
The parts of our life that feel chaotic are the times when we are put to the test. These moments bring the best, and worst, out of our true essence. What they can harbor, too, for each person is a never-ending set of tests, and lessons, that can create a certain sense of meaning once we have passed through them.
Before, there was heartbreaking confusion, and now I miss it
There have been so many times in which I have cursed the adversities through which I have passed. However, now, when everything feels inert and unchanging I realize that simply that memory of the roller coaster of emotions I experienced in the past is that which brings me back to reality and hope in my present.
It is the hope that one day I will feel the thrill of my emotions again. It is the hope of being brought back to reality. It is the hope that with some certainty, the future will be different, that everything will change, and that I, myself, will change too. Not better, nor worse, but simply different. What has already passed has passed, and we should never try to relive it, but rather live life to the fullest, and embrace all of its differences.
“We are the result of the sum of the moments of our lives.”
It is not good to feel perpetual nostalgia for something that remains in the past. It is wonderful, however, to have many different chapters of life, each for which you can feel nostalgia. That is a sign that you have experienced things that have been worth experiencing, and that your journey through life is making sense.
However, at the same time, it is normal to feel pressure or fear when it comes to thinking about the future. There are endless questions we ask ourselves: Do I have the same dream as always? Will I be just as strong in the future as I was in the past? Is what awaits me better, or worse that what is happening to me now? Sometimes we answer with silence, without knowing very well what to say to ourselves.
I want it to keep being worth it, I want to keep feeling alive
Undoubtedly, we want all that is new in our life to be exciting and full of hope, and to make us feel alive. Considering all of our past experiences, we can come to the realization that every new stage seems to be born from a stagnant moment, and in these moments nothing can be predicted. We can take our life in new directions. This means new challenges, which should never make us feel lethargic, but rather intrigue us.
If we insist on reliving the nostalgia that floods us from time to time, we can fall into relentless disillusionment and disappointment. What was new is no longer new. What at one time made my head spin and gave me energy now seems like an old and colorless landscape. Therefore, we can say that the person who does not take risks does not win, and we have to take these risks many times over. We have to take these risks to feel alive, and to keep ourselves from feeling trapped by our own lives.
“In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on.”
However, it is not always easy to keep moving forward if the path does not make you feel alive, or spark your interest. It is not easy when everything seems like a disappointing replica of everything you have already experienced. It is not easy when you see comfort in one option, and the other fraught with doubts and misgivings.
So, as it isn’t always easy to choose the path we want to take, I have decided for myself the solution that has never failed me: to follow my instinct and immerse myself in what is unstable but meaningful. Only in this way can I dissipate my feelings of nostalgia, truly feel alive, and appreciate my life all at once.
I will not be afraid of anything; the greatest fear is that everything remains the same
Here we can apply one of the great conclusions that I have drawn from everything I have lived: You can only learn from what you can confront, and if you can confront fear of loss, you will be able to stop losing and missing out on things.
“Love banishes fear, and reciprocally, fear banishes love. And not only does fear expel love; it also expels intelligence, kindness, all thought of beauty and truth, and the only thing left is mute desperation; and in the end, fear comes to expel from man humanity itself.”
This does not mean be a wandering, lost soul, without goals or dreams to reach for. It means losing yourself sometimes in order to rediscover yourself and your soul. This does not mean choosing one path or another, but rather the way in which you can decide. Open your eyes to see and ears to listen. You never know when the world will change its tune.
Be daring. Make a bet with little in your favor… because betting in life sometimes means giving without having any idea what you will receive. Rediscovering your path in life means knowing how to tolerate uncertainty, to walk with your fears and ghosts of the past and your nostalgia. It means knowing how to confront these things, and whatever else comes to you, with the innocence of a child.
Feeling alive again means feeling fear and confusion, but it is always worth it. For that is why we are here. We are here to live life before it passes us by before we even realize it.