I Say Goodbye Because I Love You

The flame of love will remain lit and full in the presence of any hint of hope, illusion, fantasy or memory. Everything leads me to you, because my body vibrates when I imagine you and feel you so deeply within me.

It’s because I love you that you awaken all of my senses. I’m drawn towards you, though you’re no longer here, though you don’t understand me anymore. Though we no longer speak the same language or passionately wish for a shared destiny.

When I close my eyes, I realize that I wish you were here. You constantly remain in everything I deem beautiful. I imagine you with me every and anywhere, sharing my journey.

I know that you no longer share that love, and that you can barely muster any feelings for me at all. But my heart, full to the brim, insists, relentlessly, on not giving up, to keep on going in its solitude and in your absence.

Every day I’m more convinced of the purity of this love, since it emits an inexhaustible energy from me, with the only intention of completing itself by going towards you.

Unforgettable experiences by your side

You’ve without a doubt made me a different person since you entered my life. I think I’ve changed fundamental aspects that make me more who I am, and appreciate everything from these different and even more authentic perspectives.

I still believe that what we’ve lived through has been as real as the love that I can feel right now so intensely for you.

I feel that when I look at you, when my eyes are closed or when you’re before me, that I do it with my heart. And that in that moment, my reasoning doesn’t exist, I’m pure emotion, only feelings. It’s one of the most beautiful feelings I have experienced with you.

To feel that in that moment I would give my life for you, that the one thing I care about the most is having a connection with you. It’s incredibly beautiful and dangerous, it leaves me completely vulnerable, and the slightest blink could destroy my whole sanity.

I felt that you were the woman of my life

It’s true that with you I’ve felt as much happiness as I have sadness, and with the same intensity. That I have felt disappointed, impotent, angry, full of rage and, above all, frustrated.

A continuous frustration, believing that I could reach you, feel you close to me again, once again with me. To have that suddenly, give way to reality and prove that it was all part of my illusion.

Part of my hope of seeing you again, that we might look upon each other and everything would go back to being how I believed it was and should be. Us together, loving each other forever: an innocent promise, that even I came to believe…

It’s true that against my sense of reason and my experience, in a completely innocent way, I thought that something like that could exist. Because I thought that you would really be the woman of my life, and that because it was such a pure love, nothing would ever change it. The saddest part is that I still feel that way…

It hasn’t been like that for me this time. I want to believe that it’s because it wasn’t meant to be, and that behind every important event we experience in life lie other experiences, even more real and authentic.

I’ll try to be better prepared to see, live and experience them, in a more conscious and profound way.

Accepting reality

My goodbye is now real. I need it to be, so that I can accept that you’re not the woman of my life, and that it’s not with you that I’m going to fulfill all of the plans I’d once dreamed.

It’s very hard for me to accept this. I’ve resisted it and I continue to resist it, since it’s not what I feel, nor what my will wants.

However, it’s the right thing. I simply don’t want to look the evidence in the eye. I must round up some courage in order to learn this tough lesson. I can’t move on with my life until I confront it.

I’ve run out of options, and also out of illusions. I only feel a perpetual discouragement, an anguish that surrounds me intensely and takes over my life.

Though the strength that lead me to your soul is now the one which draws me from it. It seems incomprehensible to me. In my ignorance and lack of understanding about life, it’s something I deem very unfair and cruel.

And yet, I feel I must let all of the love I hold within me flow out, in gratitude for the strength that bound me and today separates me from you.

Since for some reason that I know I won’t be able to understand; but I feel very strongly, the love that you and I created will be carved into eternity. And that’s something I feel nothing will ever be able to change.

I say goodbye to you because I love you, and because I don’t know how to be with you without loving you. I don’t expect you to understand, because I don’t even understand it. But I do hope you know that I most want and need to be with you.