When talking about emotions, the most sensible thing to do is not try too hard to explain them. We already know we cannot control them in their entirety. The only thing we can really do is feel them, try to understand them, and give them a form so that the ones that could be hurtful are not. It is not always best to try and explain these things that simply bubble up inside us. Instead, we can do our best to try and understand them.
We all are familiar with that sensation of all or nothing: of wanting something, or completely rejecting it, for example. That feeling in which there is no middle ground. So, when we relate this feeling to love, we can say that any kind of love demands complete commitment between two people. However, what we sometimes forget is that the commitment can also be to ourselves. Never forget yourself while loving someone else.
“And if the heart tires of loving,
then what is it for?”
-Mario Benedetti-
When you forget yourself, you may be in love, but in a toxic way. Many times, this causes you to end up being in love, but blindfolded at the same time. This blindfold of deception blocks you from seeing reality. Instead, you believe to be real what, in reality, is only in your imagination. Being in a relationship in which this happens means not being in a real relationship at all.
Nothing justifies that kind of love
If you find yourself in a situation like the one we have just described, either a romantic relationship, or with a family member or friend, it can be hard to change. It is easy to keep being part of that relationship because reality, and having to face it, can seem too difficult. It may also be that, in a subconscious kind of way, you prefer to live that deception as a kind of parallel reality in which you do not feel hurt.
However, these kinds of conditions are never healthy. Remember, you are not a coward for being afraid, but you have to be brave and give your demons a name. Nothing justifies that love if there is no happiness that goes along with it. You must convince yourself not to give in to feeling of guilt, or to succumb to manipulation, victimization, or attacks on your self-esteem.
It is equally important to know that it is not fair for another person to overtake your space and your independence. Doing that can only forge mistrust, deception, and so many unnecessary attitudes that nobody deserves to go through.
You can be who you are with the person who loves you
Most importantly, your emotions will let you know how you are in a given moment, but they have to be in agreement with who you truly are. Undoubtedly, you don’t want to be a sad person who never has a good time. Surely, you don’t want to be a person who only seems happy on the outside, but is really sad on the inside. You want to be a true and honest person, be your real self, and share what with others.
“When we open ourselves, you to me and me to you, when we immerse ourselves, you in me and me in you, when we forget, you in me and me in you. Only then I am me and you are you.”
-Anonymous-
Therefore, the relationships you have in your life and that are important for you should allow you to be who you truly are. They should help you to accept yourself as you are. In those relationships, reciprocality is important: that each person loves the other completely and with equal passion. In those relationships, it is always important to keep in mind the limits of each person, and not attack the space and happiness of either.
Remember, to truly love, you first have to be loyal to yourself and love yourself from a place of acceptance.
Deceptive love
There are some kinds of love that are a deception, a mirage. They are not exactly real, true love. They do not let us be ourselves. Instead of helping us to grow, these kinds of love limit us. Here are a few descriptions of what these kinds of relationships are like:
Love that seeks to fill personal emptiness: Nobody has the obligation to “fill you up”, nor vice versa. In other words, you must fill your own life. You yourself must learn to be happy independently, without depending on anyone else. This is essential when you are part of a real relationship. Love cannot be searched for, it simply arrives. When you work hard to seek out love, it is because you need it to fill an existential emptiness that you really need to fill yourself.
Divided relationship: Love, whatever kind of love, is always a matter in which every person involved must be participate. The moment that one of the parts fails, the relationship is failing, too. Love is not something that happens in small doses, or only in certain moments. Always be true to that feeling.
“And one thing I can swear: I, who fell in love with your wings, will never want to cut them.”
-Carlos Miguel Cortes-
Co-dependency: It is clear that space and independence are absolutely necessary in any kind of relationship. Co-dependency only produces toxic relationships that are usually do not have any positive side. Don’t love someone thinking that without them you are nothing, nobody. If they walk out of your life, you must still be there for yourself.
Idealized love: Love based on idealization is also not real love. It is necessary to love the virtues a person may have, but also to love their defects. It is important to learn to be happy in a relationship without trying too hard.
Comparative relationships: A relationship that is constantly compared to other relationships in order to justify it is a relationship based on deception, mistakes, and past lives.
Passive-aggressive communication: Love that lacks communication or only engages in aggressive communication cannot be considered real love. Love is about sharing, about understanding, about wanting to understand, listen, and support, even when there is a disagreement.
This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.
