Loneliness is a good thing when you are overwhelmed. It is bad when you finally want to talk and your doubts accumulate. Putting words to what we need, long for and desire, to our silliest whims, and not having anyone there by our side. You end up calling someone because the couch, the blanket, ice cream, none of it serves as a lifeline. We tried it with them, but they don’t clear up any of our questions or doubts.
So, we look at our phones, search through the contact list and think of who to call, who to vent to. As names appear, answers do as well. In most cases, with most people, we can guess what they would say to us. With others, we know that they won’t answer us. They won’t have time to share a hot cup of coffee, or they will listen to us while they are mentally doing a chore.
I speak to you so that you will listen to me
I’m telling you about it so that you will offer me warmth, so that you will understand that I am going through a rough moment. So that you will know that it makes me very angry, an accumulated courage that makes me cry in hidden corners and snuggle in between the sheets during a perfectly sunny day. I don’t need you to tell me that you warned me. I know that “clever you” would never have gotten yourself in this situation.
But you don’t have my fears, my demons, my hopes or my desires, personal and nontransferable, to make you the commander of my life. That’s me, although at times I may renounce it and want to throw it out the window. Don’t “take me as a fool”. Although I may have a crazy temper, I don’t play around with important things. With important issues, I’m serious. I would never have done it if I didn’t think it was the best thing to do for my objectives. Even if it all ended up in the misfortune that is now causing my tears.
I don’t need you to scold me, I already have my own conscience that I can’t seem to shut up right now, not even by subjecting myself to the worst of tortures. It screams louder than my ability to ignore it. Insistent, stubborn, tireless. How obvious that it is mine. Don’t laugh either, because it’s not funny. If you think you are making the matter better or less serious by doing so, you are wrong. The only thing you are doing is making me feel even more insignificant, and I already feel very small.
“Empathy resides in the ability to be present without giving your opinion.”