A Mother Is a Mother, Not Your Best Friend

A Mother Is a Mother, Not Your Best Friend

Last update: 09 September, 2017

There are people who consider that the best relationship that can exist between a mother and her daughter is that of “best friends”. However, this situation carries with it the risk that over time it will develop into a mutual rivalry, loss of respect, confusion of roles and even invasion of privacy.

Children need an adult who will be an example to them and who is a figure of authority and respect. They need someone to guide them and give them protection and support, so that they are in position to display that emotional stability and the mental health that they need so much and that brings an order to their lives.

“The future of a son is always the work of his mother”
-Napoleón Bonaparte-

The problem with this type of “best friends” relationship is that the healthy limit of the mother-daughter relationship starts to disappear. In principle this link must be of companionship and educational. However a friendship transforms it into a controlling and overprotective relationship towards the daughter. The consequence of this is that a model of respect and authority cannot be built, because the mother is perceived as being on an equal pairing.

In this type of unhealthy and confusing relationship, a high level of insecurity is created in the daughter, because her decisions are subject to the knowledge and approval of her mother and the fear that she will disappoint her. This sign of overprotection is detrimental in the development of the daughter’s personality, as it creates a harmful dependence between the two of them.

The different ways of being a mother

When the daughter clearly doesn’t understand the idea of an authority figure, she will experience a sense of being unprotected. Her self-confidence will be harmed. She will hesitate when she has to make decisions and hinder her hopes of independence.

The fact that the mother-daughter relationship is not one of “best friends”, doesn’t mean that it cannot be close and enriching for both of them. But it is one thing to be friends and another to be mother and daughter. No doubt a good mother will always want the best for her daughter. However, this does not give her the right to invade her privacy, with the excuse of drawing near to her daughter as a friend.

It is essential to understand the origin of this phenomenon. In most cases, this behavior by the mother, shows emotional conflicts related to dependence. And in some cases, these conflicts are accompanied by depression and the fear that her daughter will commit the errors she herself committed. If this is the case, the mother is obliged to resolve these conflicts on her own or with the help of a professional.

How to improve this relationship?

Daughters know that they do not necessarily have to obey their friends. For this reason a mother must be loving, but firm at the same time. Furthermore, a daughter does not have to know about her mother’s personal problems. This will lead to unfounded fears, sadness and confusion regarding the relationship of her parents.

It is recommended that these types of relationships should be transparent. It is important to build trust spontaneously and not as a requirement. If not, there may be a permanent state of anguish and distrust, which will degenerate into an emotional exhaustion, which can be avoided.

On the other hand, both mother and daughter, if they detect possible problems between each other, should be open about it. It is not healthy to be silent about what might be a source of annoyance between them. They must discuss it together, always within a mood of sincerity and respect. In this way the relationship will be healthy and free.

What both should learn

The daughter should understand, especially if she is a minor, that there will be decisions in her life that her mother should make. Imagine the anger there would be if that those decisions are taken by a friend. What may be forgiven in a mother may not be forgiven in a friend.

Misunderstandings between mothers and daughters can always be resolved. It is vital to choose the right time to do it. To the affection and trust that already exists, just add a little common sense in order to settle the differences or possible disagreements that have arisen between the two.

It is important that the daughter learns to solve her own problems and thus gain independence. Let her know that the mother will always be there, to support and advise her, as only a mother knows how to do. The daughter must also understand that there are aspects of her life that are her own. The level of trust should not be abused because everyone has their own story and their own life to live.

So what about you, what do you think?


This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.