However, I know that you still exist somewhere in my heart when I’m driving and belting along to my favorite song, when I dance alone around my house, when I’m laughing out loud with a friend or when I do something wild or silly. Although sometimes, you seem very far away from me…
A Letter to the Little Girl Inside Me
Hello, little girl. I’m you, but just with a few more wrinkles and with many more lessons learned and left to learn. Every day I think about you, and I try to recover your sweetness and innocence.
Life has made me go through some complicated circumstances, such as the death of a loved one, the illness of a friend or family member, various breakups with previous partners, the loss of a job… But I never forgot you.
I have also had some very happy experiences, I’ve met some wonderful people and have been in incredible places. I have loved, kissed, hugged, and laughed. Above all, I have learned things that I wanted to know, and some I didn’t want to know, too.
“Innocence has nothing to fear.”
What I have learned
Sometimes learning has been painful, because life has taught me things that I didn’t know when I was a child, and that I wish I didn’t know now. Such as the fact that there are people I love very much and that they may become ill. That there are people that I loved with all of my heart and that for various circumstances they have disappeared from my life, and that there are times that I have not been able to express my feelings as you once did.
What I’d like…
I’d like to wake up one day and say that I’m not going to go to school because I don’t feel well. And stay at home coloring imaginary animals that can fly without wings or swim through seas of chalk. I’d like to be able to always say what I think, with so much innocence that no one would be offended.
I’d love to be able to cry anywhere if I felt like it and not have to hold in my tears. And, above everything else, I want to recover the innocence in your gaze. That gaze that made me think that the world was a friendly place.
I don’t know at what point exactly we separated, but it was a very complicated separation. And I might even forget you, but that look in the eyes of a little girl at the park on a summer’s day reminded me of the afternoons of games with my friends, the adventure of sleeping over at a friend’s house, the curiosity of my first plane ride, and the indiscreet comments I made everywhere, backed with an innocent and curious smile.
“Nothing more closely resembles innocence than an indiscretion.”
What I need you to remind me
I need you to whisper everyday in my ear some things I know but sometimes forget without meaning to. I need you to invade me and force me to let myself go, to not fear anything, to feel and experience life as a child. Remind me:
That I’m capable of dreaming
Dreams exist so that we’ll make them a reality. Not to set them aside and leave them to be forgotten. Don’t let me ever forget that. Nurture my dreams. Push me to dream everyday. Make my ideas create dreams, and make these transform into something I can smell, touch and feel.
That I can get my hopes up
Throughout my life, every day I have gotten further away from your innocence, because of the circumstances I’ve had to endure. Sometimes I’ve lost the hope and transparent gaze of my younger days. Therefore, I need you to remind me that I can feel emotion and hope about things that I’m passionate about and about people that make me feel good.
That I can show my feelings
You cried without caring where you were or laughed without thinking about where or whom you were with. You hugged and kissed people, and suddenly one day I couldn’t do it any more. Maybe as a way of defending myself, maybe as a way of not showing my vulnerability. Remind me that it’s okay if I cry, laugh, hug or kiss for no other reason that because I feel like it.
That I should give away smiles
The world is sometimes an unwelcoming place, but if I smile I know that I’ll see it in a different way, with your eyes, and that I’ll be able to appreciate each cloud that moves in the sky, each leaf that falls from the trees, each ray of sunshine that illuminates my gaze, which is yours.
“Every day we know more and understand less.”