I Want You to Prefer Being with Me

I Want You to Prefer Being with Me
Valeria Sabater

Written and verified by the psychologist Valeria Sabater.

Last update: 15 November, 2021

Saying that we don’t need certain people to live is turning a blind eye to clear evidence. We all crave to have the people we love in our lives every single day of our lives, people who are significant to us. We want to enjoy with them, share moments, joys and sadness…

Now, the word “need” should be based on a healthy bond that won’t drown and, above all, allows for personal growth and personal space for the other person. We all need someone to love us, but at the same time, we should protect our own individuality and also encourage the individuality of others.

I’ve learned that I can smile without you, that I can walk my own path in life without following your footsteps. I can grow without you, without that making you have to distrust me. I don’t wish to place my happiness in your pockets. I wish to offer myself to you in liberty, in order to join our joys and live in harmony.

It’s simply about knowing how to harmonize and build. About understanding that being a couple is not about subtracting, that living is about adding every day. It’s about never waking up in the morning with the feeling that “we’re missing something”, that we’re losing our identity for the other person.

Being a couple is being able to be happy for who we each are individually, understanding that at the same time we choose someone in order to gain happiness. To grow as a person. Because if not, if we don’t feel the bond and balance, then we’re not being a team. We’re losing, we’re falling apart…

Loving or depending, the thin thread of happiness

la complejidad de vivir en pareja

If I love someone, I wish for them to be with me. I wish for a firm commitment and their presence in my life, and why not say it: I need for them to show me their love every day through reciprocity, through the magic of those little details that build our whole lives.

Saying I need reciprocity in love is not the same as being dependent. It’s wanting to receive the same as what you invest. Now, in dependent relationships one person needs the other as much as they need themselves, and even more. This leads to domination and attachment, not equality.

The dangers of diluting ourselves completely into the person we love

We love so much that we end up diluting ourselves almost completely into our loved one. What’s yours is mine, your worries are my worries, your sadness is also the burden of my heart.

We can’t deny that being a couple involves commitment, and that commitment requires you to resolve problems in unison, to face difficulties and take care of each other mutually. Now… Should there be a limit? Of course there should.

We’re all clear on the fact that we would do anything for our loved one. Whatever it took, as long as that didn’t involve losing our inner balance and identity. To love does not mean to walk a tightrope blindfolded. Guided only by our partner.

You have the right to choose, decide and give your opinion. And thinking differently than your partner at times shouldn’t put any distance between the two of you. We can love the similarities and respect the differences, and that doesn’t break up our “team.”  Never let the other person make you question or renounce your own values. Values are a part of your identity. And if you lose them, there will soon be an emptiness within you.

couple lighthouse

Don’t rip yourself into pieces to make your partner whole

You truly don’t need much to live happily. Just love, intimacy, respect and that complicity inscribed into your day to day in two gazes that desire and know each other. Whoever needs more than all of this simply has inner shortcomings that they expect others to tend to and solve.

People say that if you try to heal a broken heart, you might walk away in pieces as well. Therefore, it’s not right to maintain this idea that they can change with us, that we’ll make them happy… Because if you’re not happy yourself, it will be very hard for you to become happy overnight.

Love should be an act of freedom where blackmail doesn’t exist, where no one looks to relief the solitude or fill the spaces that others have left behind. Love implies living with integrity towards oneself and towards the other person. If you don’t respect yourself, if you’re not sure of yourself, if you don’t like what you see in your soul and what you hear within your thoughts, you’ll end up projecting your own demons onto someone else.

No one has the obligation of healing your wounds, of fitting into your personal slices, of rocking your nightmares to sleep during nights full of anguish. This is simply an act of enslaving someone. Offer yourself as a whole, mature, person and without all of your fears in order to love fully, without shortcomings.

two people hugging turned around

Love is to need humbly, while you simultaneously allow. It is wanting the best for the other person, while also seeking our own happiness. It is two people building as one. It’s to live with integrity, being oneself while holding the hand of the person we love.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.