I Didn't Come For You, I Came for My Ego: Getting Back Together

02 January, 2018

The very person who wasn’t there for us when we needed them suddenly comes back once we’ve picked up the pieces. And a lot of times they’re not coming back for us, they’re coming for their own ego.

The ego likes anything that lines up with its expectations. When our ego dominates our way of loving, we find ourselves in a game of Russian roulette where we win once our most whimsical and egotistical desires are met.

Above all else, people with a big ego are looking for recognition from other people, and especially their partners. Because they won’t give themselves any.

In order to create a relationship that’s satisfying for both people, we have to negotiate the desires of our our “I.” Only then will we have a relationship where both of us feel good. The love we want is just as important as the love we offer.

If you want to be happy, go beyond your ego. Say no to the need for control, the need for approval, and the need to judge. Those are the exact three needs that characterize the ego.

The ego has no idea what love is

The on-again, off-again relationship is an exhausting, devastating dynamic. A lot of times this happens because one person wants to stay in the early phases of infatuation. But this prevents the relationship from growing and maturing.

People with an egocentric love think they still have a right to their ex-partners. That’s why they try to get them back, especially when they see how the other person is getting their life back together. 

They think they have a right to enter and exit their ex’s life. They think they have a right to fill the orderly, clean new spaces the other person has spent a lot of energy creating.

a woman walking away from her ex

But no good comes from getting back together with an ex just to go back to the same old thing and abusing the space the other person has worked so hard to build. 

If you’re the one they’re trying to get back with, take a minute and think about all the work you put into recovering, and what you deserve.

Some people get back together under this premise: “better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t.” Other people do it out of a fear of being alone.

And some people do it because they have no one to feed their ego, fulfill their desires, and tell them how great they are.

Apologizing doesn’t always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.

Getting back together… Can it be good?

After a breakup, the desire to get back together with that person we’ve shared so many experiences with can be very strong. But… be very careful.

According to the experts, if we take that step, thinking about it for a while can be a very good idea before actually taking it. During that time, we have a job to do: identify the reasons to get back together, theirs just as much as ours, and evaluate them. 

For example, thinking the other person will change whatever it is we don’t like about them is an expectation the other person will have a hard time living up to. 

On the other hand, if we come back to them, it has to be because we like the person they are, with all their good and bad qualities. But we have to be clear that what we don’t like about them, and is important to us, can put an end to the relationship again.

Mujer mirando por un agujero de la pared

Getting back together is an important enough decision that we shouldn’t be impulsive about it. 

It’s true we can listen to this impulse, and even put it on the scale, but the previous breakup and the effort we’ve put in to heal ourselves…  they merit some careful thought.