The 5 Keys to Overcoming a Breakup

September 20, 2017

When a breakup happens, the most common thing is that a process of grief begins to be experienced by the two people in question. In fact, a family member of either person may also experience this grief. Grief has the function of processing a loss that has occurred in our lives and of helping us better adapt to the new situation.

It’s a very painful process, but one which is extremely necessary. If a grieving process isn’t experienced correctly, this can lead to a great mental and emotional block for the individual. One which will perpetuate due to behaviors such as “mummification”. This implies keeping all of our ex’s belongings or presents. Another behavior involved is avoidance, which is breaking off contact with anything that has to do with the ex. Neither of these behaviors help us adequately deal with what has happened to us.

Therefore, in order to overcome a breakup, it’s almost mandatory to initially go through a grieving process. Allowing ourselves to feel the emotional torrent that each phase brings with it:  anxiety, fears, rage, sadness…

It’s normal that at first you will need to cry over your loss, get angry with the person, miss them… We are human beings capable of feeling great physical pain, but also great emotional suffering. Don’t deny yourself the possibility of going through that phase in your life. Don’t offer resistance if you truly need it.

On the other hand, as we have already mentioned, we are referring to a phase. No matter how “comfortable” you might feel, don’t get stuck here. When we feel bad and others perceive it, we tend to receive more attention and care, and that’s something that we all like.  The process is similar to the one which follows muscle damage. There has to be a period of rest, but afterwards, as soon as your muscles allow you to, you have to begin rehabilitation. It’s a must, no matter how accustomed you have become to your sedentary life.

It’s no longer about you feeling negative emotions which are congruent to the current events. Now, your mind is simply settling in the past, and it’s not allowing any room for your present or future.

woman staring out rainy window

It’s at this point that each individual’s willpower should kick in, and where the environment also plays an important role. If you form a part of this environment, no matter how much you think the time has come for the other person to get back on their feet after a breakup, the strategy of using reproaches as motivation is not the best. Regardless of whether it is the most comfortable. On the other hand, keep in mind that the attitude of wanting to protect them, so as to not let them once again have to face the dangers of the “real world”, is also not the most adequate strategy.

Have company

Social relationships are a source of well-being. They have the ability to heal the soul. Friends, coworkers, family members and any person who we feel comfortable with has an enormous power to make your negativity diminish. If we are in good company, we will make plans, converse, have more fun, meet more people. We will definitely open new doors in our lives.

Company also helps deviate our attention. During this time in your life, great doses of solitude and introspection are very nutritious for negative thoughts.

Take action

Don’t stop. You might not feel like performing all of the activities that you used to, but it doesn’t matter. Do them anyways. In order to do so, all you have to do is get out of bed, wash up, get dressed and do it. Inactivity also anchors you to your negative thoughts and creates a vicious cycle of negative thoughts-inactivity, inactivity-negative thoughts.

Abandon the role of the victim

You have been broken up with, that much is true. But this is not a very uncommon thing to happen. We have all been through the same situation in the past. Humanity has survived these adversities, has rebuilt its life and has managed to be happy despite it. Why can’t you? You are no different from the rest of the population who has overcome a breakup. Now, these people didn’t pity themselves, nor did they say they were “unlucky” or that others were “horrible people” over and over again.

Despite this setback we have had to experience, the only path that we have left to follow is to continue living. In order to do so, you have to see yourself as a phoenix. See yourself as a being which can be reborn from its own ashes. Never think of yourself as a hopeless victim.

Appreciate what you have

Having a romantic partner isn’t everything. In this life, there are many other important elements: health, work, family, hobbies, friends, leisure… Why should you focus solely on the thing you have lost? The ideal thing would be to revert this way of dealing with the situation and, instead, be grateful for everything you do still possess.

Every day, write down on a piece of paper how grateful you are for everything that you have. You’ll soon notice that you actually have much more than what you need in many aspects. You’ll see that having a mate is just one more area of your life, which will work itself out on its own time. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself over it.

writing in a notebook

Not needing a mate

Human beings, contrary to what we might think, need very little to be happy. Francis de Asisi said: “Every day I need less things and the few that I do need, I need very little.” No one needs a romantic partner in order to be alright, much less one specific person.

Millions of people around the world are single and feel happy and fulfilled. As long as we can still continue to do valuable things for ourselves and for our surroundings, we can feel complete and see that life does have a meaning.

A partner should add to your life and be chosen freely, not based on an inner void that you don’t know how to fill otherwise. If you do this, you won’t be able to consider it true love. As time goes by, it is very likely that the relationship will end up not working out.

If you are going through this type of situation and you have noticed that the grief should have ended a long time ago, I invite you to internalize these 5 keys. Additionally, reward yourself on your progress. If you notice that your grieving process is improving, congratulate yourself over the accomplishments. Above all, maintain that consistency. Helping yourself is hard work, but it’s one of the most worthwhile.