How to Get a Relationship Back that Shouldn’t Have Ended

March 3, 2018

Sometimes you feel like a relationship ended before it was supposed to. Something inside you is shouting that there’s still something there, and it’s possible that your ex thinks and feels the same. Nevertheless, you don’t know how to take a step back and get the relationship back. It’s true, handling these types of situations is never easy.

Other times you just accept that the other person didn’t want to be with you anymore. But you still do. You also know you have enough strength and desire to light the fire again (or at least try). At the end of the day, all love stories have their ups and downs. We don’t love our significant other with the same intensity at all times, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any embers left to stoke the fire.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

These situations tend to be confusing. In general, they are a big mess of feelingsWe’re interested in trying again, but we’re also afraid of rejection. We are determined to revive the relationship, but we also doubt if it’s really possible. It’s also hard to predict what your ex is thinking or feeling. So, what can we do?

Here are some suggestions.

To get your relationship back, don’t beg your ex for love

This is one of the most common mistakes. It is also the least effective if you want to try to win back your ex. We think that if we tell them how much we miss them, or that we are nothing without them, something will click inside of their hearts and we will get the relationship back. But actually the opposite happens.

Getting your relationship back: holding on.

Begging will only make them lose respect for us. Who’s going to value someone who isn’t able to survive on their own? How can we feel love for someone who doesn’t seem to love himself very much? It’s like trying to get a job but the only thing you can tell the hiring manager is that they should give you the job because you need it.

This type of behavior usually overwhelms the other person. Your ex might start to feel guilty. They might start to see you as unnecessary pressure in their lives. If you do get them to pity you, it might just be because they feel guilty. But in that case, you will have lost them forever.

Give them a chance to miss you

If you broke up, it’s not like everything was going completely fine. When two people still love each other, the natural reaction after a breakup is to want to get back together. But this isn’t a reasonable decision; it is an almost instinctive impulse. Don’t let yourself get carried away by your anxiety. Let time do its job. 

Ex-girlfriend.

 

Time will let both of you feel what life is like without the other. You will obviously miss each other, especially at first. While nostalgia is normal, it’s not a reason to go running back to the person who isn’t around anymore. As the days pass, you will be able to approach the situation with restraint.

If that doesn’t happen, if instead of feeling more peace, you get desperate, it’s time to rethink the situation. Are you anxious because of the love you felt for your ex or is it more like dependence? When it seems impossible to live without him or her, there’s something more than love going on behind the scenes.

Find the strength you need to start a dialogue if you want your relationship back

Now that you have time for yourself, use it! Remember all the things you like to do on your own, without your ex. Call friends you haven’t talked to in a while, learn new skills, and enjoy your solitude. Add something new to your life. You could start a new hobby, or work on a new habit. Just find something that isn’t related to your immediate past.

If this is impossible, that should be a warning sign to you.  It means that you see your ex as a crutch you don’t want to give up. Maybe what you need is not to get back together with them. What you need, perhaps, is to admit that you need you. If so, the other person is just a tool you’re using to cover up unresolved conflicts that really don’t have anything to do with him or her.

A starry night with a shadow.

Take advantage of the distance to think calmly about the reasons that the relationship ended. The reasons you’re not speaking are usually the ones that really matter. Look carefully at your mistakes, and then the mistakes of the other person. At first, it might be confusing, but if you try a little harder everything will get clearer.

When you feel strong and like you’re living a satisfying life without your ex, that’s when you can see them again. If that’s really what you want, that is. It might seem contradictory, but it’s the healthiest thing to do.

Take a step and then honestly evaluate if the other person is showing interest in you. If the answer is yes, maybe it’s time to get the relationship back and restart the fire.