Our Fear of Being Single Makes Us Conformists

23 February, 2017

Nowadays, romantic relationships have changed. Now it’s not that important to create a family and have kids. Instead, now we pay more attention to our well-being. We try to put a stop to the inertia that can lead us to complying with past customs, without being what we truly want to be. In fact, often the opposite happens. In trying to always go against the current, we don’t do something we really wanted to do.

Despite the rebellion against what is considered antiquated, as a society we are still afraid of being single and ending up alone. This fear is called anuptaphobia. It is a fear that tends to appear especially as the years pass, and we still haven’t found the right mate. Anuptaphobia affects women more than men. The reason to blame could be their biological clock.

It’s true that we are more independent and that relationships have changed. Sexual relations don’t necessarily imply that love exists between two people. Children are now not the highest level of importance. So much so, that more and more women are having children at 30 and 40 years old. But, are we really as independent and “liberal” as we think we are?

My goal is to find a mate

You might be very focused on your job and career. And, right now, relationships may not be a big worry of yours. But, when the time comes, especially around the time you turn 30, something starts making us uneasy. If you didn’t already sense it, you start feeling the need to find a mate. This phenomenon happens to quite a lot of people.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, you might not have asked yourself why you want a mate. You might find answers such as: a relationship can really help you mature and grow, you can share your time with someone else and be enriched by it, you can feel their stable support through good times and bad times. But, do you want to have a mate or do you want to be in a relationship?


These two questions are very important due to their differences. You can want to be in a relationship if you enjoy sharing your life with someone you like. You want to experiment all of the positive that comes from being with the person you love and sharing your time together. But, if what you want is to have a mate, then your goal is focused on simply modifying your marital status.

If you want to have a mate because you don’t want to be single, then this isn’t the right choice. People that feverishly wish to have a mate end up settling for the first opportunity. For these people, the most important thing is not to fall in love, but to escape being single. That is what truly bothers them. The fear of ending up alone is real, and it can make you obsess over trying to avoid it.

“Turn into a nun” or “You’re a crazy cat lady”, these are the expressions that have made the fear of being single forever get bigger and bigger.

Surely you have heard of emotional dependence. In this type of problem, the person is unable to live if they don’t have someone by their side. The fear of remaining single makes us not know how to be independent. We’re unable to enjoy our own solitude. This makes us even more scared and makes us into conformists when it comes to relationships.

The fear of being single makes us unhappy

It’s possible that due to your past experiences you have developed a certain fear of solitude. Your self-esteem might be very low and the confidence you have in yourself might be lacking. But, wishing you had a mate to calm all of this is not the solution. It’s nothing more than trying to label the same problem with a different definition and solution.

The fear of remaining single makes us unhappy and, most of the time, we escape this fear by submerging ourselves in toxic relationships. Within, we want that ideal person to arrive, but since they don’t seem to ever get here, we simply venture into adventure once and time again. We never even try to just be by ourselves and enjoy of own solitude.

This way, we avoid thinking about what is actually happening to us, in this fear of being single. Thus, many times we camouflage it, but in reality, it still terrifies us. Around you, you’ll continue seeing happy couples, and you’ll continue longing to be in that situation.

“Being single means to leave behind the illusion that someone can complete you, and to start taking charge of your own life.”
-Omar Phatak-

It’s hard to confront your problems. Yet, it is also important to avoid situations that will lead you nowhere. If you don’t know how to be alone, if that’s why you want a mate no matter what. Indeed, you should try taking a moment to think about the following questions. What do I want a mate for? Why do I want a mate? It’s not that hard to be alone for a while. And this will help you work through everything that has been harming you.


This is the only way you’ll manage to find that person which will fill your life with happiness and joy. When you least expect it and without even looking for it. Your ideal mate might appear, or maybe not. But this shouldn’t be something you worry about.

First, focus on yourself and take advantage of the time you can dedicate to yourself. The fear of remaining single forever and being alone is nothing more than a social fear. It feeds off of the need to interact, of social networks, of avoiding isolation. It feeds off of being able to change our mental and social state to “in a relationship”.