Family Are the People That Give Birth to My Heart

Family are the people who provide light to my heart and not the dark days dressed in sadness and helplessness. Because blood is not necessary to create a bond, the true union is created by loyalty and affection and not a few surnames in common.

At the end of 2015, there was an interesting survey published in the “Daily Mirror” which reflected those little things that made a happy family. Aspects such as “spending time together”, “laughing”, “having common interests” and “respecting thoughts and opinions” were seen as essential in daily life.

A family provides shelter, nurturing and sustenance, but it is the routine character of respect, sincere love, complicity and reciprocity which create the most authentic link, that which we can somehow establish with more people.

Many of us know that you do not need the same genetic code or a certificate to appreciate someone as part of your heart. Family is made up of the people you choose, where both relatives and friends are included, and sure, even our pets.

The family: a social institution that is sometimes difficult

As the anthropologist, Levi-Strauss, already explained, the family should be the ideal model that represents the most basic social group of society, the first reference that every child will have their first years of life.

The most important thing is not that a family is perfect or dwelling under the same roof, but that they are united and live under that roof in a way that no problem can defeat them.

Nobody chooses their family. We come into the world as if we fall down a chimney and it is luck that determines whether the bonds we have with our parents will be healthy, indifferent or even traumatic. It is the closest human bond, but often it paradoxically stands as one of the most complex and conflicting.

Family conflicts: accepting what cannot be changed and keeping a distance

In situations of family conflict or in families where relationships are negative it is important to bear in mind certain aspects:

• We have to see the relationships of a family as any living system that may evolve over time. However, in most cases what happens is that more defined relationship patterns that do not usually change are consolidated.
• A traumatic or painful relationship with the family is a very high source of suffering. This is because one cannot “cancel” that link or that relationship just like that. Hence, why it so difficult to move forward and move on.
• The only solution in these cases of conflict or family trauma would be to accept what cannot be changed. You don’t have to feed into the rage.You cannot get your family to change its “aggressive” way of communicating, nor can we erase the possible humiliations we suffer from our minds.

The only way to heal the suffering is to accept reality, integrate the experience and understand that we have no moral or social obligation to continue feeding a link that hurts us. We cannot choose our family, but we can build our own and give value to those who really enrich us.

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Family is also the people I choose

A family relationship does not stop at those who are linked to us biologically. We can experience these same processes with friends or other figures of relevance that fuel our personal growth, and therefore, “can be our family” without a bloodline.

Although many studies indicate that having experienced traumatic events in the family can determine the quality of our subsequent social relations, each case is certainly unique and special. We can all start more inclusive and healthy relationships that allow us to heal the shortcomings in our lives.

It is worth noting these dimensions that build positive relationships are the same that will help us build our real family or to strengthen the one we already have.

Foundation for building positive relationships

If we want to build positive relationships it is important to bear in mind the following variables:

• The principle of reciprocity: the value of giving and receiving in balance and respect is essential. It is adding value to the lives of others for personal satisfaction in return.
• Communication and sincerity: we all value that honest communication that listens and pays attention; that is sincere and which far from judging or punishing us, allows us to grow and feel like part of the others.
• Patience: everyone at some point will fail and the fact of having someone to show us empathy, understanding and patience will help us.
• Loyalty: is willingness and commitment. It is wanting to give the best of ourselves to make the relationship work by being loyal to others and to our own principles. This implies knowing how to manage conflicts and fight for the people we love, even in moments of difficulty.

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