Emotionally unavailable people: experts in avoiding intimacy

· July 23, 2018

Emotional ignorance is a great obstacle to relationships. The inability to connect feelings is a huge hindrance in creating a strong, healthy and lasting relationships. Most important is one’s connection with his own self. In fact, its difficulty is a challenge to emotionally unavailable people. Some build walls around their heart to avoid feeling vulnerable, and others flee when intimacy comes to the scene.

These people may have emotional immaturity and even love can become a great threat. This does not mean that they do not enter into relationships, however, they generally tend to leave them or shut themselves out when feelings develop. It is as if they always have a shell on their backs as a refuge whenever they need it, especially when the situation demands emotional intimacy.

Emotionally unavailable people are adept at creating distances, building walls and raising walls to avoid intimate connection with others. Most of the time, unconsciously. Therefore, it is so complicated to get out of that kind of emotional depravity.

What are emotionally unavailable people?

Emotionally unavailable people seem to be like anyone else. They have their tastes, their passions, their jobs, their personal history, their shortcomings and of course, their virtues. However, they lack the ability to identify and to manage their emotions. Probably, they have never asked how they are, or may have stopped listening to their own unhappiness.

Emotionally unavailable person: woman

They are people with an aura of emotional coldness, who in the face of even a bit of suffering need an escape. They are escapists of discomfort with a doctorate in self-deception. The same happens when the feeling that engulfs them is too positive. Perhaps they enjoy it more, but it may also cause them great fear, especially if it relates to others.

By putting a great emotional distance in their relationships, they often appear to be cold people, showing little interest in what happens around them. In fact, it is difficult for them to establish intimacy to avoid feeling vulnerable. In this way, emotional coldness is their defense mechanism, the way they have learned to protect themselves from the pain of their past.


Dealing with these people can be very frustrating and complicated, especially in love relationships since emotional intimacy will almost be impossible. Also, when confronted with pain, sadness or disappointment, they may feel upset, overwhelmed, or have a strong desire to escape.

As discussed, emotional unavailability tends to show unconsciously. However, these people use a lot of their psychological energy in avoiding confrontation with their feelings. Because of this, only when they begin to be aware of what is happening to them can they do something about it. The problem is that their defense mechanisms are so automated, they may fight hard so as not to be aware of their vulnerability.

What can emotionally unavailable people do to end this cycle?

Is it possible, therefore, to shed light to this strong emotional block? The answer is yes, but that is not easy. Everything depends one’s recognition of its difficulty, and the degree of change that he wants to happen.

Therefore, the first step is awareness. Therefore, as you become aware of yourself and let yourself experience everything that the emotional world offers, you can move forward. In this way, pain and fear, both of your own and of others will show with honesty. Also, with great effort.

“One of the pitfalls of childhood is that one doesn’t have to understand something to feel it. By the time the mind is able to comprehend what has happened, the wounds of the heart are already too deep.”

-Carlos Ruiz Zafon-

Emotionally unavailable person: sad

Once the first interaction at the emotional level is established and they’ve learned how to identify emotions, the next step will be to exercise the ability to choose how to react to different situations, thereby abandoning automation. This is one of the most powerful tools for the emotionally unavailable people.

On the other hand, it is also important to mention that people around the emotionally unavailable also have to take care of themselves and to practice understanding if they want to stay by your side. And also, to work themselves to see how to act on this; and, above all, to understand the reasons that lead them to stay. According to Gabriella Kortsch, doctor in psychology.

Moreover, another important aspect is to understand that in this type of situations, it is not about blaming the partner, for they may have unresolved conflicts that needs to be addressed, which the other partner cause to surface.

Sometimes, ending the relationship may solve the problem since we cannot force the other person to change. Also, to become what he is not. If one is unwilling to be in a relationship, it must end. This is to avoid being in a relationship that is becoming more and more unsustainable.

“Speak so I may know you.”

-Socrates-

Read also 4 Tao Teachings for Handling Difficult People