Those Who Don’t Want to Lose You But Don’t Know How to Care For You

· March 15, 2017

There are some people who don’t worry about taking care of you, about keeping you in mind, and yet build a tall fence so that they do not lose you. They are relationships based on the ego of a codependent personality which demands and distorts something as noble as affection, which only promotes and does not stop tears.

The fear of our loved one being away from us means, above all, a lack of confidence, and sometimes even the dangerous idea of considering the partner to  be a personal possession. Any relationship based on some form of fear inevitably generates suffering.

Some people do not know how to take care of you, who do not intuit your sorrows or brand many disappointments; but remember: if they don’t keep you in mind, do not forget to keep yourself in mind. Listen to your heart and care for yourself.

Strange as it may seem, there are many couples who maintain this kind of relationship over time. We invite you to get to know the causes and how to act appropriately, always protecting your self-esteem.

woman with blue hair

The codependent controller and the compassionate person

In an interesting article published in the magazine, “World of Psychology“, two types of personalities were defined for us. They do a great job of profiling that type of unequal relationship that is stable over time, where one controls and the other one allows it. The basic features are as follows:

  • The codependent controller experiences the commitment as a kind of addiction. Under the need to dominate underlies a lack of self-confidence, so they deploy strategies and defense mechanisms to disable the other person and have that person under their net.
  • The anxiety felt by the codependent controller is so high that their own spaces cease to exist in order for a single “microworld” to exist. This common world is loaded with distrust, accusations and negative emotions.
  • The word “compassionate”, meanwhile, has its roots in Latin “cum-passio” (shared suffering). The compassionate person is well aware of the dependence they have on their partner, and their need to control for fear of losing.
  • But nevertheless, they cannot help but continue to love them, tend to them and give them priority to put the other person above them. They are complex relationships that decay in a very distinct circle of pain.
woman with yellow irises


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Take care of yourself above all things

Both the need for control and dependence are two inhibiting elements that favor the imbalance in the relationship. It is clear and we all know that loving relationships are complex. But in reality, we should say that the complexity lies in the people themselves and not in the relationship as such.

There are people who need to control because it is the only way we conceive love. Others, however, truly love, yet lack the emotional skills needed to demonstrate adequate reciprocity. However, it is important that in all our relationships we prioritize “excellence” over “demand”. To do this, it would be good for us to put the following strategies into practice.

couple elbow to elbow

Self-love, a relationship that should last forever

It is essential that you never forget the need to care for yourself, to tend to your needs. Curiously enough, a study published in the journal “The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology” reveals that younger people have lower self-esteem than those who reach 60 years of age.

Good self-esteem, self-knowledge and a good emotional management will remind you that those who do not keep you in mind, those who do not care for you, do not deserve your attention, let alone your tears. So, do not hesitate to take your joys elsewhere.

It seems as if time is putting every piece of our self in place, as if experience sculpts us to reach maturity with more poise and better balance. However, it is essential to enjoy each cycle of every stage and to walk more aplomb to strengthen that bond with oneself called self-esteem.

Say yes to a conscious emotional relationship

Relationships that work and that bring us happiness are emotionally mature and aware. There is no need to control because there are no underlying fears, concerns, insecurities or the will violate the personal space of the loved one.

Conscious and mature people share their fullness. They do not bring shadows of selfishness or voids for others to fill. Mature relationships are cared for and, in turn, allow everyone to consider keeping their own growth in mind by feeling free and being part of a common project at the same time.

hugging couple with flowers

To conclude, the feeling that someone demands something from us, controls us and does not keep us in mind can extend beyond romantic relationships. Family or friends can certainly demonstrate the same behavior.

Act, defend territories, care for your rights and, above all, hear the voice of your heart asking for respect. Taking care of yourself is fundamental. Take care of your self-esteem because no one is selfish for taking care of themselves.

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Main image courtesy of Claudia Tremblay