Dear Me, I'm Sorry I Hurt You
Dear Me, I’m sorry I hurt you. Now that you’re in front of the mirror, and I’m brave enough to look at you, I want you to listen to me. I need to tell you many things, I need to apologize for a lot of things, and I can’t keep on living as if nothing’s happening. It’s not fair.
I’ve tried to have this conversation with you more than once but I just wasn’t ready. Fear, disappointment, and suffering kept me from facing what I’ve done to you through the years. Fear would cling to my throat and kept me from saying anything. I just pretended everything was OK and I even believed it.
Sometimes, we think we’re ready, we think we’re strong enough and can handle anything, but we’re fooling ourselves. That was the problem: I was oblivious to this.
Right now, I can look at you and recognize you in the mirror. Above all, I won’t run away from you or my problems. You’re no longer invisible to me. I see you, I see myself, and I see us. I’ve accepted us.
This recognition, this rediscovery, has made me very happy, but I still feel something’s amiss, something that keeps me from enjoying you. What’s reconciliation without an apology? I want to keep our bonds strong, so I’ve written this letter to you.
Forgive my misunderstandings
Dear Me, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I forgot about you, for pushing you to the background, and for denying you and pretending you were something else. I know I hurt you.
Being ashamed of you caused me great harm. Moreover, rejection is one of the deepest wounds we can experience. I’ve denied you and I’ve denied myself. Denying ourselves is the worst act of treason against ourselves. It’s like we’re invisible and it hurts!
I can’t believe just how much I hated us! You did everything wrong. I remember I made you doubt yourself, making you feel guilty and helpless. I didn’t care if it was about your looks, personality, or what you did. And I could barely stand you. Right then, I thought you had nothing to offer, nothing worthy.
Dear me, I’m sorry for pushing you over the edge, for mistreating you and criticizing everything you did. I know I didn’t treat you right. I know I was cold for you. I’m really sorry. Instead of hugging you, I would pull away, and that made you feel bad.
For many days, I ignored you, even though you needed my help. I’m sorry I closed myself to you until I couldn’t bear it anymore, until my heart exploded and I couldn’t remember how to feel happy, calm, well. I crumbled.
Even though I don’t want this to happen to anyone else, thanks to this I discovered you were still there. You waited for me. Once again, I’m sorry for all the pain.
Please listen to me
From now on, I want us to be different. I want to protect you. Therefore, I offer you a deal: let’s bet on us. I for you, and you for me. Let’s become one, instead of a false hero and their executioner. Let’s be partners.
I promise to listen to you, even when it hurts. Now I know you have important things to say to me. I’ll help you be louder. I want to get to know you, rediscover you, know every little thing about yourself, what you’re good at and what you want to do, everything.
I can’t promise I won’t hurt you again; that’s impossible. We all make mistakes, but I won’t do anything bad on purpose. We’ll be happy being who we are. Because after disguising myself so much, I’ve come to realize that without you, I’m nobody. I’ve tasted betrayal and it’s one of the worst experiences I’ve had.
I’ll respect you. Whenever you feel down, I’ll empathize. I’ll walk in your shoes, I’ll try to understand you. Instead of making you feel guilty, I’ll find out the reasons why. Because that’s the only way I’ll understand what’s going on.
Let’s make a deal
I’ll embrace your fears and wounds. Everything I’ve gone through has taught me that you can’t go on without listening to the other. Being angry and hateful will only keep me from you. It’ll make me feel helpless and worthless, sad, and in pain. I don’t want that for either of us.
Life’s tough and there will be failures ahead. But whenever you don’t feel like walking, let me walk beside you. I know I’ve hurt you and disappointed you, but let’s try again.
Let’s build bridges to well-being and acceptance. I want us to be as one, to let this bond grow and fill us with peace and love. I want to hold your hand and never let go.
What do you say? Do we have a deal?
“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
-C. JoyBell C.-