9 Pieces of Advice to Overcome Relationship Trouble

· November 30, 2015

And she followed his steps as he walked away, with the hope that, at any moment, he would look back. Remembering day by day how that sweet voice would speak to her, those eyes would look at her, and how his form would tremble when their two bodies touched. 

And despite her hopeful stride, her heart was broken, but she never doubted the need to continue forward, despite the thousand no’s and thousand rejections she had received in recent days. 

And with the million tears cried, that filled her emptiness, but drained what was left of her will. Swearing to herself, but deluding herself, that she would never go back to chasing him. Trapped by her pain, dragging herself through all the revolving thoughts in her mind, forgetting any trace of happiness of her day.  

And despite the endless promises made to friends, family, and herself, she went back to pleading with him not thinking about or caring about the implications, the consequences. Always reawakening the feeling of anguish that was stored deep inside, the feeling that screamed at her, that dominated her self-control, and swept her away in despair. 

And her sunken and stepped on self-esteem, drowned in the deepest, darkest mud, hidden in an abysmal hole, abandoned her, and melancholy from memories of lost and broken love, from crushed loyalty and shattered dreams, replaced it. 


And she looked back and thought: What could I have done to stop this? To not let it get to this point? And she cried…

Has this story made you reflect upon your own life?

Who hasn’t suffered or witnessed a break-up, or relationship trouble? Of the break-ups and issues we have experienced or witnessed, how many have left those involved overwhelmed with frustration or defeat? How many of us have struggled with indecision, between the inevitability of a break-up and the hope of fixing the problem and going back to how it used to be? What can we do to avoid reaching this point?

It’s true that in many cases, “one no” can be fixed, and some “no’s” last forever. But in some cases, “one no” that is not decisive and absolute can break our relationship just because of our anxiety, lack of control, and desire for a quick resolution, even if all that is needed is just some time to breathe. Sometimes that pressure is the what pushes the final decision to “no.” 

In fights and conflicts with your partner, just like in most conflicts, a solution can be found. Finding the solution requires commitment and strong will; it requires wanting and doing, giving in and understanding. A relationship may break down when one of the people involved leaves a situation he or she finds unbearable.

In many cases, it could be more of a need to breath than an actual break-up. Usually, it is between an active side and a passive side. That is to say, one party wants this separation and initiates all strategies to make it happen, and the other side, the passive side, does not want the separation at all. However, it is not necessarily the active side that suffers less, nor is it necessarily the passive side who is to blame.

When referring to break-ups, and ones in which no third party was involved, as difficult as it is, we must be honest with and critical of ourselves, because, despite most of the time having had the best intentions, we were wrong, we judged, and without wanting to, we provoked unsustainable situations.

Hour glass shaped like heart with red sand

What can be done? 

Much advice can be given for these kinds of situations, so that they do not reach a point of no return. For example:

  1. Don’t impose; instead, talk in order to arrive at a consensus. Stop fighting to figure out who is right, rather explain your motives and logic. Focus more on the present, and not in remembering old conflicts, and especially not bringing them up as examples.
  2. Understand that it is normal to disagree with something. Look at it more as a challenge to find something in common, and not as a conflict.
  3. Reinforce your commitment to your significant other by making an effort with small actions to make your relationship better. Little details, like a kiss, a hug, an embrace,  a caring gesture, a smile, or a moment of attention, are more important and more powerful than big actions that try to win someone over.
  4. If we have criticized something because we don’t like it, it is better to direct it at that  thing or behavior, rather than at the person, meaning explain the thing it is that you don’t like, rather than being offensive, insulting, or calling names. Respect is essential for happy coexistence.
  5. When confronted with violent situations, discuss and decide beforehand to leave the situation so both people can take a break and think for a while, and look for creative ways to fix the problem. Once both people have relaxed, try to talk, understand, and reach a point where both back down, so both can win. 
  6. Force ourselves to listen, make eye contact, and try to understand the world, the difficulties, anxieties, and fears of the other person.
  7. Find activities you have in common and go back to that time together, that was agreeable to both. Accept the energy of the relationship without trying to go back to how it was in the beginning.
  8. Trust in your partner, and give him or her alone time. Don’t smother him or her with phone calls or messages; respect that person’s personal space. Freedom is the key to true love. 
  9. And overall, set aside free time for yourself, in which your partner is not there, when you remember who you are and why, one day, that person fell in love with you. Love yourself!

As Albert Einstein said: “Energy neither creates nor destroys; it only transforms.”

This goes for love, too!