When Someone Doesn't Love you, but they Won't Let you Go

When Someone Doesn't Love you, but they Won't Let you Go

Last update: 14 June, 2018

Love always puts us in dilemmas, although some of them are happy. However, sometimes they are not so rewarding. For example, when you are with someone who does not love you, but they won’t let you go either.

On the one hand, you feel that person is not really interested in you. They don’t think about your needs, nor do they make an effort to make you happy. However, on the other hand, when you’ve had enough and you announce your intention to end the relationship, they immediately jump and make hundreds of promises because they say they don’t want to lose you.

This tug-of-war is disconcerting. Sometimes you think that maybe the one who is confused is you. Despite this, you quickly see the signs that they don’t love you. And the cycle starts again. What should we do in this distressing situation?


Wherever you cannot love, do not stay”.

-Frida Kahlo-

How do we know they don’t love you?

Love always generates some dose of suffering. But if it is healthy, it must bring many more moments of well-being than problems. It should also be clear, although this does not exclude occasional doubts or contradictions. In short, love should make you happy more often than not.


Starting with that idea, you can realize that someone doesn’t love you when you have more anxiety than calm. When you spend more time suffering from absences and misunderstandings than enjoying your partner. When you stop for a moment to think and you realize that you no longer have inner peace. That all the time you feel hurricanes in your heart.

They don’t love you when they don’t pay enough attention to you. Also when they overlook your needs and your feelings. Or when your needs or feelings are underestimated, rejected or criticized. It is always easy to know when they don’t love you. The difficult thing is to accept it and make decisions about it.

Why don’t they let you go?

What always ends up puzzling you is that even though they don’t love you, they won’t let you go. That confuses you. If you love that person, you end up convincing yourself that you are also loved, although in a strange way. Proof of this is that they don’t allow you to end the relationship. This is very deceiving. But why does it happen?

heart in chains


There are three main reasons why this happens:

  • Selfish needs. The other person knows that they don’t love you, but they also feel that they need you. Maybe they do not know how to deal with loneliness and have not found a new partner. If they do, they will not hesitate to break up with you.
  • Possessiveness and egocentrism. Many people do not tolerate the idea that someone will take their place. They assume that their partner is like a possession they should not lose. The fear that you will get a new partner could hurt their pride, and so they don´t let you go.
  • Lack of maturity. Perhaps what happens is simply that the other person has no idea what loving others means. They like to be loved, but don’t know how to give love back.

It’s normal for the reason to be egotistical. The person puts their own needs above their partner’s. That is why they do not mind doing harm, as long as they don’t have to be responsible for their deficiencies or limitations.

Overcoming this situation

If you are in a situation like this, we recommend that you don’t let more time pass without putting things in order. Nothing good can come out of an asymmetric relationship. Quite the opposite. Normally problems multiply, generating bad feelings, insecurities, and stagnation.

The first thing is to analyze the situation and make sure they really don’t love you. Don’t get carried away by victimhood. Just reflect and determine if your partner really cares about you and enriches your life. If not, it’s a good idea to ask them to have an honest chat. State your own reasons and try to understand their reasons. The other person may not even understand why they act the way they do.

ripped photo

What you should do next is let that person go. Delete them from your life, using all the mechanisms that you have at your disposal. A relationship like that is not worth it. It hurts you, limits you and can make you sick. If you feel that it is impossible to break up, that it will hurt too much, it is time for you to ask for help. What you have is not love. Something else is going on.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.