The Suffering that Sometimes goes Hand in Hand with Love

The Suffering that Sometimes goes Hand in Hand with Love
Gema Sánchez Cuevas

Reviewed and approved by the psychologist Gema Sánchez Cuevas.

Last update: 30 June, 2024

Love means putting up with things, love means withstanding, love sometimes means suffering. Love means giving without measure. This is what we’re all told about love from a very young age. This causes pressure which lead us at times into a desperate search for a mate in order to not end up alone. If not, we will risk having our time slip by.

Within all of this talk of love, there’s something nobody ever talks to us about. Maybe it’s because nobody believes it. And that is, loving without suffering is quite possible. In fact, this is the meaning of true love.

At times, this hurry to find a mate makes us not choose the right one.  Our partner or mate simply becomes the first person we find on the street who is willing to take on the role.

Furthermore, if you have very low self-esteem and don’t give yourself the value you deserve, this disastrous attitude is even more likely. Having a romantic partner is not the most important thing in the world. It is not synonymous to happiness. Sometimes, it actually becomes an ordeal that is very difficult to bear.

“When one expects someone else to make them happy, it’s already clear that happy is the last thing they will be.”

Why do people always hurt me?

I don’t know if you have ever asked yourself this question, maybe you have. But you are wrong if you think your suffering is due to bad luck. You think that only the worse kind of people come into your life or that no one will ever love you.

Maybe the reason you always run into the same type of person is that you choose them or, at the very least, you allow them in. Think about it. Have you ever rejected someone who really liked you?

Maybe you have very low self-esteem, maybe you settle for the first person who takes an interest in you. Whatever the case, you can interpret the fact that you are being harmed by thinking about how you are harming yourself.

Why don’t you give yourself the value you’re truly worth? Why do you cover your eyes when someone tells you how much they like you and dedicates lovely words to you?

We should alter this headline and turn it into, “Why do I always hurt myself?” or “Why do I always let others hurt me?”.

A boy with a string around his neck.

Love is blind…

Surely you have some experience with words that are lost in oblivion. Words that lack coherence with the actions that follow them. Words that light you up, that make you forget reality and which submerge you in a dream.

A dream in which that person is the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with. The person who is going to make you happy. You would give it all for that person, you would be willing to fight for the relationship. But, who said that love isn’t a constant struggle?

“If you go into a relationship giving 50% of yourself and accept that the other person gives you 20%, don’t demand that they give you any more over time, because they won’t be able to.”

Giving it all for your relationship, while the other person is giving it 25% at most will make you doubt what they feel for you over time. You will be worn down, you will stop thinking about yourself.

No longer will you take care of yourself, nor will you dress up like you used to unless you are with that person. You’ll always be aware of them, will always attempt to make them like you, to try to please them… Are you still asking yourself why people always end up hurting you?

Choose consciously, loving without suffering is possible

Loving without suffering is possible if you stop looking at your relationships as something logical or necessary. You must stop thinking that love can be reduced to pain, effort, fighting, withstanding, and giving everything for that one person. Because, in order to love without suffering, first you need to know what you want. But, above all, you need to learn to be happy without anyone other than yourself.

If you are okay and happy by yourself, then you’re ready to be happy with someone else. Because you know that if they leave or things don’t work out, you will be okay and will continue being happy. Because you already were happy before that person came into your life.

A girl with flowers coming out of her face.

Once you know what you want, you know your values, you’ve discovered the limits you don’t want anyone to cross… that’s when you can choose consciously. Think about whether that person who is saying those sweet words to you is truly the one you want to have by your side.

Let yourself get carried away by your emotions and initial madness, but don’t let yourself be fooled. Don’t become filled with expectations and hopes for the future that are not realistic. Don’t think “Well, he’ll change over time.” Choose someone based on the present and not based on how you imagine them in the future.

Surely at first, you’ll think that you’re being too picky or demanding. Many people around you will tell you that if you continue down this path, you won’t ever find a mate.

But, if this does come to pass, you know that you’ll be alright. Because having someone by your side is not an indispensable condition to being happy.

Finding a balance

The best relationship you can create with someone is that in which you give 50% and the other person gives the remaining 50%. Only then can you have mutual goals not based on need, but on respect and freedom. 

We have come to confuse love with possession, with suffering, with giving all of yourself… This beautiful feeling has become turbulent and, at times, it even implies torment. We go into relationships giving 100%, while the other person gives less than half.

And then we expect them to change! We cling to them so strongly that when they begin to walk away in search of some air, we get nervous and scared that they will abandon us.

Two people are kissing and in love

Loving without suffering becomes possible when we learn to treat our partner as someone who is independent from ourselves. Like a person who has come into our lives, but who may choose to leave or to take some distance from us. Just like a friend or a sibling might.

Your life, and your happiness cannot depend on having someone by your side or not. Because the only person you will be able to count on until the very end of your days is none other than yourself.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.