Love Is Not a Power Struggle, But an Effort in Understanding

· September 13, 2017

Love is not just caring, it is above all understanding. This understanding implies communication, and this is what is lacking in the majority of couples who seek psychological help. Communication in a couple determines not just the quality of the relationship, but it is also an important part of our quality of life.

The planet is populated with couples who have lost their common ground and find themselves in a vicious cycle of reproach and negativity. This makes them focus excessively on what bothers them about the other person, and what they would like to change about them. Instead of solving the problems that plague their relationship, they look to their partner to mold to their desires.

One of the worst enemies to a relationship is to take for granted that if the other person loves us, they will also know what we want and need without us having to ask. Just think of all the problems good communication would save us that normally arise due to lack of understanding.

Our partner cannot, nor do they have to, behave exactly like us. Getting mad at everything she does without trying to understand her or trying to constantly change her is a mistake. While it is important to have a certain affinity, we do not have to think the same. Knowing this will help us to be more understanding with one another, more tolerant, and fair.

“Only the compassion and understanding of others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.”

-Dalai Lama XIV


Before being able to understand your partner, you need to put your own thoughts in order

In fights with our partner, we tend to focus on their negative issues and forget our own. It is hard to reach an understanding with our partner when we can’t even understand what is happening to us.

Taking a moment each day to reflect on our own actions can be vital in knowing our innermost self. Making an objective evaluation of our own behavior can help us to be more understanding with others. Knowing who we truly are will help us have a more accurate perspective of our weaknesses and strengths. 

Understanding what triggers our reactions can help us to understand ourselves better. Beginning to know ourselves better can be an interesting starting point for us to begin to understand our partner from another point of view and feel more in sync with them.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding about ourselves.”
-Carl Jung

True love is born of understanding

Relationships can transform into a threat, especially when there are expectations and very little tolerance in respect to behavior, character, or qualities the other person should have. It is normal to learn to be more tolerant with each other as the relationship matures, and to accept the other person just as they are. However, it doesn’t always happen that way.

When domination, possession, and jealousy are priorities in a relationship it is because egotism has claimed the leading role. But rather, when tolerance and understand take precedence in a relationship, then love will be the feeling from which all other feelings are born. A love that is nourished by listening, freedom, and from the desire to share. 

When we make the effort to listen and understand the other person, we are leaving our individuality behind so that we can face any problems that arise as a couple. True love will lead the way when we accept our partner as someone who has their own personality and identity. 

When we are able to understand how our partner feels, then that understanding will be the basis for how we interact with them. Think that love is not a merger and it is not a battle. 

“One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.”

-Jane Austen