Let Yourself Love, Because Beautiful Love Does Not Hurt

December 23, 2016

Let yourself love, because love that is beautiful and authentic does not hurt or betray us, nor does it understand tears. Love that is worth the joy is the kind that is offered with open eyes and a passionate heart. It is a mature, conscious relationship where voids are not filled nor is selfish loneliness relieved.

If we think about it for a moment, we will realize that the idea that is most deeply rooted in our popular culture is the classical idea that “whoever really loves you will make you suffer.” This is a false idea. Pain and love are too very distinct things, because a sincere relationship based on reciprocity will never be made up of a toxic or venomous feelings.

Let yourself be loved wonderfully, let yourself be loved the way you deserve, because my loving does not hurt, and love that is real is always worth the joy and never the pain.

John Gottman is one of the top relationship specialists. In one of his books, “What to do so a relationship lasts?” he explains that the secret to making a relationship lasting and happy is knowing how to give yourself away. With this, the professor emeritus of psychology at Washington University exalts the need to mutually care for one another, to show sincere interest for one another, and above all else, to create shared meanings and values.

Pain, therefore, does not belong or make any sense in these relationships. We invite you to reflect on this with us.

Happy Couple

The lack of love and the mark it leaves on our brains

One of the most notable characteristics of those people who manage to establish a romantic relationship based on respect, joy, and growth is that they are capable of loving as if they had never been hurt before, without ever using pain they may have had in previous relationships against their new partner. There is no lack of trust or traces of past bitterness.

That said, we can also find those other people who are convinced that love does indeed hurt and it hurts because their past experiences have confirmed this belief. In fact, according to a study published in the “Journal of Neurophysiology, when faced with a breakup or an emotional letdown, our brain reacts in the same way as it does towards physical pain.

An interesting focus is emerging nowadays based on relational neurobiology. This theory’s main point of departure is the idea that our brain, thanks to its neuroplasticity, is capable of curing “these wounds,” these pain prints.

If we were capable of reconstructing new networks and even further strengthening those neural connections affected by the pain of emotional trauma, we would surely manage to create a healthier inner balance.

silhouette of an illuminated head

The theory of “Interpersonal Neurobiology” (IPNB) was developed by psychiatrist Dan Siegel. According to the author, the best way to heal those neural circuits affected by defenselessness or sadness after an emotional issue is to practice meditation.

This favors a state of calm where we once again connect with ourselves is a very appropriate way to find that point of balance where understanding that what hurts is not love in and of itself, but rather our actions and reactions. Our inability to know how to mutually “give ourselves up,” as John Gottman points out.

Beautiful love, the kind that does not hurt and does not know tears

What hurts is the lack of love; never LOVE, in capital letters. What makes us sad is the lost battle, the exhaustion of a wasted heart, devoid of hope, that moment in which we no longer trustI promise you I will change” or “I am sure that things will be different now.”

I want that kind of love, with shared looks, words full of meaning, a humble heart, and shared paths.

We must absolutely refuse accept a love that tastes of tears. To let them convince us that all true life lessons come from suffering and that all of us in some way or another have to experience it in order to be born again, to really be born.

Couple Hugging

Happiness can also teach us, and a lot at that. Because in love with capital letters, there are no harmful accents, nor minor ones weighed down by egos, fear, and distrust. Affection that is beautiful does not hurt nor does it seek to hurt, and if at some point a lightless smile and a lowered glance should appear, the other person will look for the reason for that ephemeral cloud and will put an immediate end to it.

Just as we are reminded by Erich Fromm, love is above all else an act of faith. We could also see it as a leap into the void, where despite the fact that nobody assures us that everything is going to be okay, we have no doubts about taking a risk, about always offering the best of ourselves in order to give ourselves up and receive the other person.

To give happiness, never bitterness.