If the Fire Burned Out, Search for a New Flame

If the Fire Burned Out, Search for a New Flame

Last update: 05 October, 2016

You already know, without anyone having to tell you, that in order for a relationship to work, it needs to flow without an excessive amount of effort. You deserve people who ignite your flames of desire, not who extinguish them. You only have to have the guts to repeat it to yourself until you believe it. You should not exhaust yourself over a bonfire that has already burned out. I have to give way so that a new fire may burn again.

It’s possible that you may feel a certain hope. You may feel that having experienced so many burning flames next to someone has left behind a small spark. However, it’ll do you good to understand that if there is no way for you to share your life with this person again, maybe it’s because the only thing left of your flame is the ashes.

“Be safe, free yourself of all risks.
Don’t waste your time in reanimating what is already dead.
Stay safe, and care for your moments.
Don’t waste your air in breathing in what is already up in flames.”
-Adriana Moragues, song “Be Safe”-

So, if you are completely certain that it is no longer worth it to keep trying, the only alternative is to accept it. Let the open sore scab over completely. We all need to heal our wounds at some point, so give yourself the time you need to recover. Take some time until you are once again capable of starting over and letting another fire burn.

You need space and time

There’s no sense in igniting the flame once more with only two hands. Especially because it was originally built by four.


There is an empty void and sadness because this flame, which you worked so hard on, has extinguished. It can make you feel dejected, and it is likely that you wont be able to see how you can move forward. Especially because it was something that seemed to be built to be strong and long lasting. The void that you now cling to is inevitable, especially if you constantly think about how the person who has always there for you is no longer there. They have gone…now you need them the most.

“I’m an expert at throwing kindling on burnt out fires,
I don’t know how to accept that certain things simply end.”
-Marwan, song “Simple Dreams”

However, if you find yourself in that situation, the best gift you can give yourself is acceptance. Accept that most things have an expiration date, and relationships aren’t an exception. Everything has its own timing. So take the ashes from that fire, and turn them into lessons.

Buff out the dents, relieve yourself

A modern poet, Pedro Adreu, said the following. “You learn how to live through hits and blows.” This could practically be a universal law. If you think about what you have experienced and lived through, you’ll perfectly remember that huge blow you had to dodge. Additionally, you won’t forget how you achieved it. How you dodged the blow and just kept on moving forward.


Sooner or later, the wound will start to itch with doubts, but at the same time, you’ll start scarring over. And if you don’t rip the scab off, after a while, you’ll only be left with a small mark and a memory full of more positive aspects than pain or sorrow. You’ll start to love this new healed skin. You’ll once again love, but in a different way. Because no two loves are equal, yet they are each just as or more beautiful than the last.

Allow new flames to light up your life

Unfortunately, you have found yourself in the situation of having to break off a relationship you never wanted to end. Therefore, the normal thing is for you to shy away from new opportunities to share your life with someone again. You may not feel ready for it.

Nevertheless, if you have managed to return to where your heart was broken, if you have forgiven and no longer care if you see this person again or if they see you with someone else, you no longer seek someone to replace or substitute them and have understood that that old saying is not at all true “the best way to get over one guy is to get under another one.” If you have managed all of this, then you are ready to find the warmth of a new bonfire. As the song goes, “you have managed to survive, now make the choice to smile”.

“Do you have a fire?
I will put in my heart of gasoline.
And let’s see what happens.”
-Pedro Andreu, poem “Ignitable Thoughts”

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.