Fear and Pain: I Broke Into a Thousand Pieces
And I broke into a thousand pieces as if I was made of glass. As if, pretending I was strong, I was secretly cracking inside and, being aware of the fear and pain I felt, I had lost everything that made me a whole, single self.
Now sad, empty and alone, knowing the truth that was hidden in the shadows of the universe I had created in order to live a dream, in order to protect myself, I understood the true meaning of the word pain. A word that had ceased to be mute and now produced a sound that was terrifying.
Pain is not only four letters, not even only visible wounds. Pain is hope buried in in the tomb of reality. This, this is what caused me to break into a thousand pieces, because reality had torn my soul and my dreams were stuck far away where they could no longer feed my illusions.
One cannot live on illusions, only die
“If I had my life to live over again, I’d dare to make more mistakes next time.
I’d relax. I’d limber up. I’d be sillier than I’ve been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously.”
They say that one cannot live on illusions, sometimes, one can only die from them. You die because you surrender to the fantasy of the world you have created; that world in which, in the not too distant future, what is now illusion will become reality. You don’t pay attention to the stones that make up life’s pathway, or, if you do, you seem much bigger and they much smaller and less sharp.
The rocks of this pathway, the obstacles that you keep with you, that form part of you. Yes, they are barriers, but often it is you who has created them for yourself. Because illusion hides a dark face that it doesn’t want to show you, as if it were the other side of the moon itself.
I speak of this dark part, this part that torments you but that you still do not know, this unconscious part that binds you and holds you against your will. This part of you that never lets you advance. This part that kills, wounds, and pains in the face of any adversity.
Because they are not just illusions, but rather dreams and projects, uncertain futures that you want to make reality. This is why illusions kill, because we cannot always make them reality and they transform into poison when we push them too much. It was in this moment that I became conscious of this fact, in this moment in which I shattered into a million pieces and become consumed by anxiety.
The monsters of fear and pain have come to visit me
I was consumed by anxiety because the monster of fear had come to visit me. But it was not just any monster, it was the worst of all monsters, the worst of all fears, it was the fear of failure. I could only tremble before it.
I trembled because my world had overturned, I had no future to look at. I trembled because none of my dreams, none of my illusions had become reality. Because of this I was broken into so many pieces, I sharpened each piece that was left of me. While I was constructing my powerful weapon, I thought it was so strong that it would ward off any threat, any possible harm.
But what a delusion! Unmade and broken before even fighting, I must learn to heal myself. The one who is better defended is not stronger than the person who has constructed a solid base to walk on day by day with a steady step.
But, if I broke into pieces and had this great monster of fear of failure facing me, how could I present myself as weak and ask for help? What if I lost another piece of myself? What if I didn’t need to put myself back together, but rather to fight?
Yes I had broken, but I learned how to rebuild myself
Yes, I had shattered into a million pieces and it took time to recognize it. I was not weak, I never had been; however, I was the one who had hurt myself. I focused on failure and because of that it became the king of all of my fears. But it was not just failure, it was also what others would say if I failed.
One who fights without looking back is not brave, but one who recognizes their fears and learns from them is. One who asks for help in obtaining weapons of knowledge. Brave yes, I asked for help and for that I am brave.
With help I learned that I was my own obstacle and my own limit, because I was the one who created my monsters. Yes, I broke into a thousand pieces as I pretended to be a complete image, and created a world full of illusions and dreams. A world with a future that was totally alien to me. No matter how much I promised it would be a sure bridge to cross through life’s uncertainty.
Now, thanks to what I have learned, little by little I have put myself together. Although, like vases broken and repaired, I now have scars and imperfections, I am still myself. I am a new version of myself, one free of pressures and without my biggest fear. Failure is only as terrible as you make it. I have learned this, and now I do not fear it.