Emotional Dependence: The Need for You Is Drowning Me
You have had a terrible childhood. Unlike other children, you were forced to grow up in an unstable environment. Your parents always argued, they made you participate in their problems. They used you. . . They kissed you goodnight because they felt obligated to, not because they loved you. The same with hugs. Affection was not “natural” or habitual. All of this resulted in a great need.
“Necessity is an indestructible obstacle; everything that is thrown upon it crashes.”
This circumstance we have described is an example of how important education and true affection are. Everything that happens during childhood will weigh on your life. In this case, we are faced with one of the problems that most affects our society. This is the need to be with someone else in order to feel complete. But, what happens when what makes us feel better also hurts us?
The need for what was denied
You did not choose to be in this situation. It is a situation in which you have been implicated and are now suffering the consequences. You are looking for what was denied you. This is why you cling to others and constantly avoid being alone. You are afraid.
Surely you have never realized it, but you project what you need on others. Here is a very simple example. Imagine that you are with someone you like and, suddenly, you feel cold. Your first reaction is to cover or warm the other person, rather than yourself. The same happens with a shortage of love or some other form of deprivation. I need you to love me and, instead of trying to love myself, I only want someone else.
The problem arises when this need turns against you. You give to others, but you don’t receive that which you lack in return. Here is where the disappointment starts, when they do not satisfy you, when they hurt you. You got involved with people that do not have your best interests in mind, perhaps because you submit to them, because you let your happiness depend on them.
“Depending on the person you love is like burying yourself alive, an act of psychological self-mutilation where self-love, self-respect and the essence of our being are offended and given away irrationally.”
-Walter Riso
When you do this, you allow others to hurt you. You don’t protect yourself, instead you make yourself vulnerable. Without wanting to, you are destroying yourself, so you are unable to see that the solution is within you. First, it is important to learn how to be self-sufficient. If you do not love yourself, no one is going to do it for you. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will either.
Stop being unhappy
While we are trying to look for happiness, we continue to feel terribly unhappy. Insecurity, fear, each brings with it a heavy suitcase that you must carry on your back. A suitcase that continues to fill with deceptions, lack of confidence, toxic relationships. . .even as they hurt you, you cling to them. You know they are all you have. Or, perhaps, this is only what you believe?
Stop conforming. Stop staying at the side of someone because you need the few crumbs of love, or rare moments of happiness that they give you. Don’t you deserve more than this? Have you not realized that this situation is becoming more and more fragile?
Surely you do know this, but it is very difficult for you to break free of this cycle. Despite this, you have no other option. The circumstances in which you find yourself will become increasingly difficult and convoluted. Perhaps you have already discovered that you are in a labyrinth of your own making. This is why it is so difficult for you to leave.
Some people find it difficult to admit all this, acknowledging that they are emotionally dependent and are constantly looking for what we have been denied. Have you accepted it? Well, that is not the hardest part, exactly the opposite. You will need to return to the starting point of your dependencies over and over again, making each time more difficult. However, you are more than this way of being, more than this anxiety.
“If your partner is everything to you, what will you do with the rest of the world which surrounds you? To love is not to reduce life to the smallest expression.”
Force yourself to spend time alone. Distance yourself from those that you cling to. It will be difficult, and you may feel anxious if you do not already. But, if you persist, you will be victorious, despite what you have to endure. You are experiencing absence syndrome. Remember that dependency is like an addiction.
If this is too complicated, if you fall again into this vice, ask for help. Don’t be afraid to do so. Many people find themselves in the same position you are in now and have continued forward. Let go of trying to control your life, let go of suffering, let go of giving to others, let go of being unhappy. Don’t let your dependency play games with you any more.
