The Noise that Children Leave Behind When They Leave

The romantic poet Gustavo Adolfo Becquer once said that "solitude is very beautiful...when you have someone to say it to." Yet, at times our mood is marked by the noise of change and transformation. Something that happens in every aspect, including your family life. One of the most common transformations within the natural evolution of the family dynamic is when children leave the home. Many parents feel a sense of loss over this separation from their children, mixed with the joy of being able to bear witness to an important step for everyone involved. They look on with the hope of having time to do the things they had to give up. The activities that got pushed aside with the birth of the children who are now departing. On the other hand, that joy is often opposed to the feeling of sadness that emerges from the sensation that they are leaving and will probably never return. It is this last sensation which, with a certain intensity and held over time, gives way to empty nest syndrome. "Solitude is at times the best company, and a short absence brings with it a sweet return." -John Milton- What causes empty nest syndrome? When a child, especially the youngest one, leaves home, the parents suffer from a deep void. Leave behind? That's not quite true. A child who leaves home doesn't leave anyone behind. They are simply following their own path and changing homes. But their parents will always be a fundamental part of their life. However, the fact that a kid leaves his nuclear family in order to create his own home can generate a great amount of anguish for the parents. This tends to be especially painful and produces a deep void for the mothers. These women feel like their offspring are walking away from them for good. Sara Montejano is a psychologist who specializes in psychopathology and health and an expert in cognitive behavioral therapies. According to her, these are situations that can affect the parents greatly. In the case of the mother, who has dedicated her whole life to the care of her children, she has to face a significant change. Her "kid", who was a central part of her identity, is no longer there. As a caretaker, she is no longer necessary, and this leads to an enormous feeling of emptiness. A mood dominated by solitude and emptiness After all, what is a society based on families if not a constant creation and evolution of said families? One day, a son leaves home in order to form his own family. That is to say, two families changed their structure, one new one and one which is transforming. A natural and perfectly social event. However, a situation which should seem normal at plain sight can generate pain, frustration and loneliness. A noise that makes certain members of the family suffer, whose mood takes an alarming drop. If a child leaves home and we feel that with him leave all the signs of life and will to live it, empty nest syndrome might be invading us. Observe whether you feel useless and a profound feeling of loneliness. Look to see if you feel an enormous sense of nostalgia over times gone by. Or whether you are living off of memories. Identify whether sadness is the most common emotion in your mood. What once used to be the desire to perform everyday tasks, now requires a great deal of effort. This is because you feel quite a lot of demotivation. Fatigue and anxiety take over your mind. Sexual and communication problems arise with your partner. The challenge of facing empty nest syndrome It's clear that this event of your child leaving your home has negatively affected your state of mind. Now you have the challenge of reconstructing the way you're going to live. For years, you lived at the service of your children. You have dedicated a great deal of time to their development and formation, and now you should dedicate some time to yourself. It is important that you see your kids' departure as an opportunity, at least in part. Suddenly, you have more time for yourself and maybe you don't know what to invest it in. But figuring this out can be, in itself, a fascinating task. A good option is to develop new skills. That is how you can enrich an eroded social circle, by dedicating yourself to other priorities. At first, according to the psychologist Sara Montejano, these new skills will be oriented towards overcoming the syndrome. Thus, what we mean by this is that it is advisable for you to develop skills that can help reduce the noise from which the negative emotions emerge. "Knowing how to listen is the best remedy against solitude." -Anonymous- The parents that have maintained their romantic relationship will now have to also accept the challenge of reevaluating their marriage and facing this new situation together. For this, communication and the expression of emotions are very important. If before we were referring to individual management of time, now we are also talking about shared time. At this moment, taking back up old hobbies, discovering new activities, and seeking out friends to talk to are the activities that can work as a good base while we find some new ones to motivate us. On the other hand, it doesn't hurt to share and put a label on our feelings. There is nothing wrong with confessing that we're suffering, as long as we don't place the responsibility on our children's shoulders. Let's remember that we are ultimately the ones responsible for our own emotions.