I Loved You Until My Self-Love Said, “It’s Not Worth It”
I loved you until my self-love said, “it’s not worth it.” I let the curtain fall from my eyes, I took the chains off my heart, and even removed the heels I wore to be your height. Then I saw it: you’re not the love of my life, not even the one of the day nor of the moment, just someone who made me believe that I was nothing, when in fact, I am everything.
Realizing that “you aren’t worth it nor am I worth so little” is doubtlessly an act of personal revolution. An act of courage and reaffirmation of the self-esteem that dignifies us. However, we must admit that it’s not easy to achieve that mental and emotional strength capable of setting a limit between self-love and dependency. Between dignity and resignation.
“Self-love can be hurt, but it can never be killed”
-Henry de Montherlant-
We know that the word “self-love” is booming, that there are lots of books, manuals, and courses that repeat to us, almost like a mantra, that “no one can establish a healthy relationship without first loving himself.” With that in mind, if we first know the formula, we can apply it in the most appropriate way.
Self-love is not only built through a book or by reflecting on it. It is not a passive entity, but quite the opposite. Self-love is a state of absolute appreciation for oneself that grows through actions and at the same time, these actions build up our physical and emotional health. It is a dynamic dimension that tends to also experience some highs and lows.
We invite you to reflect on this.
You weren’t worth it and yet I gave you my whole universe
Astronomers comment that in the universe, there are very phenomena that occur that are very similar to our emotional relationships. Just as an example: there is a nebula called Henize 2-428 that, seen from a telescope, is fascinating due to its singular beauty and peculiar mystery. In reality, this nebula is the union of white dwarves, two old stars in the last stage of life, languishing.
With that in mind, the curious thing about this couple is that they orbit one another every four hours. They form a lethal but incredibly beautiful dance where sooner or later, they will end up collapsing. In some way, we too, without being celestial bodies, deploy this power game. We know that there are loves destined to be little more than the dust of a memory, and nevertheless, we feed them. We orbit around that unhealthy love, in those gravitational waves where our self-esteem hangs by a thread and can be carried away by the wind.
Maybe that love was not worth it, but until we realize the dependence, we will not open our eyes. However, we must keep this in our minds: no universe can crush our individuality, our self-love, our unique and exceptional light just like that.
The recipe for self-love
Let us visualize self-love in a very concrete way for a moment: like a skeleton, our own. It gives us support, strength, resistance, and it guarantees us harmonious and correct movement to get through our daily loves. If that skeleton has a broken tibia or femur, we will need crutches or a wheelchair. We will be dependent.
This personal dimension requires exceptional, vital support. Nevertheless, we know that it has highs and lows from time to time, wear and tear, and the consequent pain. As such, it is worth keeping the components that make up that recipe in mind to keep it in “good shape.”
Pillars to consolidate self-love
The first pillar is without a doubt personal coherence. This is another term that many defend and that few apply, because it requires, above all else, bravery. By coherence, we mean the need to maintain a correlation between what we feel and what we do, between what we think and what we express.
Sometimes, it is better to prioritize what you need against what you want. For example: maybe right now you are just getting out of a relationship. The solitude and bitterness are sinking you in despair and what you urgently want is to find someone who can fill those voids. So then…do you think that is really what you need at this point?
Setting limits is healthy. We often use a curious term, “frenemies.” This refers to those people who live around us, dressed up as our friends, but who in reality are harmful, who are enemies. Putting a stop to those connections and interactions is extremely necessary.
Live intentionally; do not accept middle grounds or crumbs. Self-love requires determination, half-hearted love is not worth it, neither the laughter of daytime or the tears of nighttime. Also not the “I love you under these conditions.”
Living intentionally is understanding that in order to be happy, we must make decisions and not erratically orbit around a celestial body that sooner or later will end up collapsing and disappearing. Let us learn to shine, to have our own light, a firm voice, and a brave, worthy heart so that we can attract the one we really deserve.
Images courtesy of Chiee Yoshii and Kris Knight