Love to Improve Your Life, Not to Fill the Void of Loneliness

· November 13, 2015

Loneliness is not a curse nor is it a prison sentence. Some see it as a punishment or a personal failure, and the desperation to escape it can lead people to look for someone, anyone, who will fill that void even though the love is not sincere.

Every relationship that seeks above all to fill the void of loneliness will be based on an immature, dependent, toxic affection that will inevitably violate the freedoms, rights, and personal growth of each person involved.

Being comfortable in solitude is something we must learn from an early age. Parents and educators should do more to encourage children to be comfortable being alone, and understand the nuances of solitude.

It should not be understood as “social rejection;” it’s a means by which we learn to be ourselves, accept ourselves, and connect with our emotions and feelings and avoiding dependence on others. However, we know that it is not always easy to get to that point. Today, let’s talk about this and learn some simple but important tips.

The wisdom of solitude

The wisdom of solitude is not learned overnight. In childhood we understand it — we see it in children’s tendency to look for a cubby hole where they can think without interruption and observe the world from afar to understand it better. But overprotective parents plant a fear of solitude and loneliness in their child’s mind, which may inspire abandonment issues.

Monk with birds

Without a doubt, we can and should avoid this. Emotional maturity should be promoted from the earliest age, since every child is capable of learning to move forward with courage through uncertainty without anxious attachment or over-dependence that dictates their every action. Encouraging emotional maturity from such a young age helps ensure the child will grow into a mature adult who can be at peace in solitude. Otherwise, the opposite may happen.


The obsessive need to feel loved

Those who avoid solitude because of their need to feel loved create a harmful attachment to feeling recognized and valued. This is detrimental — both to the person seeking attention, as well as the people from whom they demand love.

Woman's face underwater

You have probably encountered this type of personality on at least one occasion. They are capable of having one relationship after another after another, seeming to collect relationship failures without stopping even for a moment to analyze the real problem:

They are people with low self-esteem that almost never recognize it. They just feel this “emptiness,” an anguish in their life that gives them an exaggerated fear of solitude. For them, being alone is synonymous with failure and abandonment.

When they start a new relationship and cover up the feeling of loneliness, they become demanding and selfish. They have a lot of personal needs, fears, anxieties, and they constantly search for the feeling of recognition.

They are rarely able to offer genuine happiness to whoever is at their side. Why? They are obsessed with their own fear of abandonment and avoiding feeling the grip of loneliness. It is essentially a phobia, and so they will employ any strategy necessary to avoid those situations, despite how irrational it may seem. Hence, it is very common for them to use emotional manipulation, blackmail, or victimization in their relationships… Always keep this in mind.

How being alone can teach us to love better

Don’t think of solitude as rejection. It is a space in which to learn to love yourself and, in turn, better connect with those you love.

Silhouette of a man under a full moon

It is often said that those who have developed particular anxiety at the idea of loneliness are really ­transforming that fear into “autophobia,” or the fear of oneself.

It is the fear of finding yourself alone with your thoughts, of being forced to see the essence of who you are, where you will surely find a number of “personal ghosts.” However, it is never too late to learn new strategies to distance yourself from the shadow of anxiety and fear.

Here are some of the things we can do to counter the sense that solitude is negative and embrace our own inner lives:

  1. Learn to enjoy moments of solitude in the same way you enjoy time in the company of others.
  2. See, understand, and accept that solitude is not harmful. Leave aside the common idea that “solitude is social isolation or rejection.”
  3. In solitude, you will find all of those questions you should be asking yourself about what to do every day to understand yourself better. You will also find the answers if you listen to yourself. It is easier than you think.
  4. Start new habits in your life to better understand and enjoy your solitude. Walk around, listen to music, write, and become aware of the “here and now.”
  5. If you learn to understand yourself, to listen to yourself and connect with yourself in those moments of solitude, you will also learn to better love others.

Solitude is a value that everyone should learn to appreciate, because after all, we all come into this world alone and we all go the same way, but what always surrounds us… what always remains, is love.