Letter from the Side of Me that Nobody Knows
There is 10% of me that you will never know. You can make all the effort that you like, but you will never see it. In fact, there is 5% of me, if not more, that I will never even know myself.
The fact that you do not know that part of me does not mean that it is bad or perverse or that it lacks feelings or empathy. It is simply never going to seem logical or rational to you; you will never be able to predict it.
Forgive me if I laugh sometimes when you are trying to get to it and it exasperates you; the thing is, I get the feeling that you are that small child who is trying to reach the wrapped-up gift sitting on the highest shelf…Or someone who is trying any way possible to put a piece of a jigsaw puzzle in place, trying with every piece there, when the only one that will ever fit has fallen under flaps of the tablecloth.
Yes, I understand. You are afraid that this part of me will cause you suffering. Since I know this part of myself, I tell you don’t worry, it won’t. I would like you to take a risk. I can’t force you, only express my desire, because I firmly believe that if you take that risk, you’ll know the best part of me.
It’s the unpredictable part of me that can hurt you, but it is also one of the important reasons that I am myself. It is the part that surprises you and that makes me Waldo in this world of people who are more like one another than different.
… and you love Waldo…
…and I love anyone who searches for Waldo every day…
…That is to say, you…
…and I love you, today and now with that unpredictable part, because it beats to the same rhythm as my heart. It is in sync with the feelings that I am sure of and in the end with you as well, because they make up part of that 90% that you know.
My promise is to help you live with it, something that maybe I have not been very skilled at… But what is certain is that nobody is born knowing and, as I have already said, you are so dear to me when you make a fuss over that wrapped-up package.
You have a lot to say about my life, but let me have the last word, even if you do not agree; let me choose who I have relationships with and the way that I do this. Let yourself love me as I am or as I will be and not as a shadow of what I am or will be.
Do not try to fit me into any mold, because there is no mold for me. You will have to build it and even then, there will always be edges that will never fit right.
Do not ask yourself whether I am normal or not. I can tell you now that I am not, that I do not fit your pattern of a normal person, just like I do not fit anyone else’s pattern of a normal person.
Do not claim that it is your right to unravel that 10%, because the only thing that is going to happen is that it will it will remain quiet and hidden. And that 5%….is a tiny, minuscule part, even if you do not know how to picture it because you can only manage to see its edges. Keep playing in the rest of the house. It is not worth losing a minute of your life trying to figure out what neither of us knows. In exchange, I firmly believe that what we have imagined together is worth more than anything else in the world.
So in some way, I am asking you to be complicit, to humor me, my own ignorance, so that together and without any rush, we can start to ask each other questions… And like a ray of hope, imagine that the last thing that fell from that shelf you cannot reach is this letter written to you by a person who loves you…