I Kept Coming Back Because I Didn’t Know How to Leave
I kept coming back because I didn’t know how to leave, but I realized that you didn’t want me by your side, so you made me learn never to return again. When did I notice this? When it was possible for you to spare me a moment of suffering, waiting, and crying, but you didn’t. Then I remembered the lonely nights that I spent with my clock and I knew that it was over.
You weren’t able to save me from even one painful night. Just one message, one phone call, or a single word would have been enough when I was certain that you knew I was waiting for you.
This was exactly what happened to me when I was with you, I just refused to accept it and kept going back to your house. And I waited and waited for you, but there was no response. Then you made me never return again and forget the way there.
“Kisses that come laughing, then leave crying, and in them, life goes away, never to return again”
Miguel de Unamuno
I don’t know when our relationship went bad, or maybe it was bad from the beginning. I knew that believing in eternal love is believing in a myth, but my heart cried out for me not to let you go, and I came back over and over again, wanting to rescue you.
Haste never gives good advice about love, although I must thank you for quickly making me understand that I’m worth more than all this, all that I believed to be far beyond me, because now it’s not darkness that looms over me; I’ve started seeing the sun and I can make the decision I’ve long needed to make.
That’s what’s wrong with vicious circles: it seems like you can never escape them, but all you have to do is leave it for one day. You’ve really helped me to realize the truth of these words: “No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.”
So I’m understanding it better and better: one goes first and then the other, and I was the last to make the decision to break my own heart and achieve happiness. Love is so short, forgetting is so long, Neruda once said, and it hurts like a thousand daggers being plunged into your chest.
You also taught me that my dignity comes before all entreaties and that it’s time to cut the cord and stifle what no longer exists, because love goes out, too, and believing that it won’t causes us pain. It’s time to accept it.
At the end of the day, what matters is acceptance; overcoming comes on its own. I refused to do it and when I finally managed to, I was mad at myself and at love, because I then understood that sometimes, love is miserable, too, and I couldn’t understand that what had once given me butterflies could now want to shove me down on the floor.
I started to think about how to free myself from you, and suddenly, I was overtaken by a profound sadness full of confusion that left me unable to move. But now I know that, in the end, this has to be overcome step by step and there is no going back.
Only those who stop feeling and stop dreaming are defeated, and I am still able to do that. This is why I thank you for not wanting to lessen my pain, because I then understood that the person who deserved my love before all others was myself.