How to Have a Fulfilling Sex Life

“Great lovers are made, not born. Sexiness has to be cultivated. You need to be actively focused on seeing your partner as someone sexy.” These are the words of Esther Perel, a sex therapist and author of books such as Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, in which she explains what to do to keep the sexual passion and desire alive in a serious or long-term relationship.

The sexual attraction or sex appeal of a partner is subjective. It’s true that physical factors play an important role, but the emotional factors carry an even heavier weight overall as time passes. What sexually attracts your partner becomes a matter of knowing and discovering one another within the relationship.

Therefore, identifying, understanding and satisfying the sexual preferences of your partner are fundamental in keeping the flame of physical intimacy burning bright.

Usually, where there is sexual attraction, there’s a hint of mystery; there is something to discover within this person. Knowing that there are new surprises to be found lights the flame of passion, which is key in a fulfilling sex life between partners.

Passion isn’t the same as sexuality. Sex is based on action, whereas passion lives more in the mind. Passion results from connecting with vitality and desire.

One way of getting back the sexual passion in your relationship can be by creating a private email, Facebook or WhatsApp account that is exclusively for you and your partner. This account can be used by the both of you for playing and flirting while introducing new sexual interests into your relationship.

Introducing sexual fantasy eliminates boredom. Anything that sparks the fantasy, whether it be sex games, movies, using a video camera, etc., can compliment your relationship’s sex life. However, remember that sexual attraction involves really knowing what each person is open to and comfortable with.

The enemies of a satisfying sex life

An excess of predictability within the relationship is a big enemy for keeping the sexual interest alive. As we have already said, it’s all about discovering, searching and trying out other methods. The routine in your sex life can lead to boredom which completely kills any mystery. This is something that needs to be worked for. As an example, women are able to focus on raising their children and also on the sexual experience of their partner just as men can focus on their jobs as well as their partner’s sexual experiences.

If predictability and repetitiveness in the bedroom is something that your relationship suffers from, you need to take the responsibility of spending the necessary time to invest in physical intimacy. Take the initiative to let your partner know that it’s time to fan the flames! Knowing that they feel the same way will help you to move forward and become physically close to one anther all over again.

According to Perel, it is the women who usually take on the role of controlling household, children and work responsibilities to the point of excess. The idea of women not being as interested in sex is an unfair prejudice, when what really happens is that they no longer feel attractive or desirable to their partners. Because of this, it is necessary that the other person in the relationship remind her of how beautiful, sexual and exciting she has always been.

When in a relationship, one person can be interested in sex, closeness or passion, but not the other person. This creates the sensation of desire that, if ongoing, can lead to frustration. When this happens, it’s time to take the bull by the horns and start a sincere conversation to immediately remedy the situation.

If the situation of desire, and later frustration, is not dealt with due to a simple lack of communication and failure to express the desire that one person has for the other, the relationship can reach its limit and end up experiencing infidelity, divorce or separation as a result.

According to Perel, infidelity isn’t always due to the attempt to compensate or fill a void within a relationship. In this case, infidelity serves as an alarm to call both people into putting more energy into regenerating their relationship.

The expectations of how one must have a sexual encounter or how one must act are also great hindrances for developing a fulfilling sex life. The same goes for past experiences. Because of this, it’s important to center yourself on the here and now and enjoy it with your partner. Beyond expectations and the past, you find sensations and feelings within the present moment.

Stress and lifestyle or work changes can also influence a relationship’s sex life. When you are bombarded by stressful situations, you can become so fatigued that your sexual desire can plummet.

Do you agree with Perel? How would you rank your sex life? Are you able to talk to your partner about each other’s sexual needs?