I Don't Want To Be Your Lover
As psychologist Walter Riso says in his book “Manual On How To Not Die Of Love,” being the lover of someone who is already married is like throwing salt on dessert. The rollercoaster of emotions unleashed by having a lover includes sexual satisfaction, tenderness, joy, fear, hope and disappointment, love and heartbreak, laughter, tears, and many other oscillations. Lovers are shake-ups from a storm of feelings that traps and hooks with no help and no easy escape.
Riso claims that the spa effect of having a lover (relaxation, massages, caresses, orgasms, beautiful words, stress reduction, shield from worries for a few hours) creates a very strong addiction, but these are situations that we idealize and need to reflect on to have a proper perspective.
“It is better to have decent solitude with no conflicts than an incomplete relationship where lacking things rule.”
In relationships with a lover, there is usually a moment when we want to make our lover our “official” partner, but we have to ask ourselves several questions: Are you ready to face the opinions of others? Do you think there is enough love to blossom in a relationship? Will the passion last?
Reasons not to be the lover
When we start a relationship with a married or taken person, everything tends to be very great and passionate, but let us not forget that nobody will value or love us if we do not love and value ourselves. In this sense, it is vital to do some profound reflecting at the opportune moment to have a clear perspective. I know why I am not going to be your lover or anyone else’s and these are my reasons:
Because you have used the arguments of an unfaithful person with me. “My partner doesn’t make me happy, but I cannot leave them because of my children.” “I haven’t had sex with my partner in a long time.” “I feel trapped in the relationship.” “I am much better off with you and you make me feel good.” These are the same arguments that any unfaithful person uses to justify themselves and deceive both their partner and their lover.
“Hope in love is sometimes the first thing we have to let go.”
Some more reasons
But it is not only because of your arguments; I also do not want to be your lover for other reasons:
- Because if you do this to your partner, you will do it to me, too. All of those arguments you use to convince me to be your lover can be used time and time again with other people if I am your “official” partner, which is why I do not believe you and there is nothing that can make me stop thinking that you might repeat this situation with someone else.
- Because I do not want to fill an empty space. It is not my job in life to fill the empty spaces that may exist in your life or somebody else’s. First you have to figure out why you feel empty and learn not look outside yourself to find ways to fill that space.
- Because I value honesty and sincerity. Above all other things in any kind of relationship with other people, I value sincerity and honesty. It is about telling the truth, not lying and manipulating to get what you want, while also being honest with ourselves. I do not want false promises and lies in my life.
The two most important reasons…
Because I have feelings. I could fall in love with you, I could love you because as a person, I have feelings and sensitivity towards life and other people. But I believe that you have to ask yourself what you would do if it were the other way around, if you were the lover.
How would you feel? Furthermore, I do not want to hurt your partner and your children, just like I would not want someone to do that to me. And above all else, I do not want to be your lover because I love myself and I value myself. I am a person with value and I am not going to allow you to take away that value, to compare me with another person or lie to me.
I do not want to be your lover because I am not afraid of letting solitude touch me, but I am afraid of feeling alone while I am with someone. I am not going to hide from anyone or anything because I love myself enough to know that you are not worth it.
“Don’t worry about the people from your past, there is a reason why they did not arrive to your future.”