Don’t Love Me a Lot, Love Me Right

· August 1, 2017

Although it may be hard to believe, loving a lot is not synonymous with loving right, because the amount, sometimes, does not go hand in hand with the emotional and relationship qualities that are needed. Love is not enough when there is no respect, and not everything goes nor should everything be forgiven in the name of a passion that could be destructive and alienating.

Aaron T. Black, one of the most highly renowned psychiatrists in the field of cognitive-behavioral therapy, explains this in his book “Love is not Enough.” In each page we can see the reflection of many of our own thoughts and behaviors. In essence, most of us are anchored to the idea that love conquers all, that it is an incombustible energy that cures all and fixes everything.

“In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.”  

-Erich Fromm

In fact, admitting that being ‘loved a lot’ is not enough to make us truly happy is something quite disheartening, there is no doubt of that. However, the same happens in other aspects: talent is not enough to gain success nor is money the key, and the direct path is not always the way to the happiness  we so anticipated and dreamed of.

Life is full of nuances that sometimes make us desperate, others baffle us, and sometimes they put us in a state of absolute defenselessness. Loving a lot is not always a reflection of proper love. This is something we need to understand as soon as possible to know how to react, to leave sad idealizations behind and be capable of forming strong relationships that are fulfilling and mature. 

When We Love A Lot, But We Love Wrong


Many of us choose certain partners because we tell ourselves that much used expression “he/she is the right one, the one who best suits us, who can make us happy.” However, the reality is very different, because as most of us already know, nobody chooses who they fall in love with. Love, like passion, is not chosen. It comes and sweeps us away.

Little by little we sink into the vortex of emotions, sensations and idealizations that make a relationship something almost heavenly, and we tell ourselves and everyone else that “our love is magical, exuberant, and has no cracks.” Without even realizing it, we reach the point of devotion where there are no boundaries and we “live just for you,” that happy co-dependence where we love each other so much and where yours and mine is destroyed to give way to ‘ours’, to where our own identities become dissolved.

It is vital to understand that those loves that are supposedly heaven sent, that are unconditional, are the most dangerous. Because real love is on the earth and it does need limits. You want limits and boundaries that will protect you, private space that must be respected and harmonies that will maintain the proper balance.

When love is given in excess and is claimed in the same manner, it can become tyrannical and the following dynamics can appear.

The 4 Traps of Dependent Love and Harmful Love

Co-dependent love will sooner or later develop practices that we need to recognize, not only to be able to defend ourselves against them, but also to avoid practicing them ourselves.

  • The trap of “all or nothing.” Loving a lot and loving wrong can turn us into professional con-artists without us even realizing it. Mutual devotion, to many, should be complete and absolute.
  • The trap of “what should.” There always comes a time when one or both members of a couple begin to fall into the obsession of thinking about what the other person should and should not do. “If they don’t do this than they really don’t love me. If I do this or that then he/she should also do it for me.”
  • The trap of guilt. This strategy is, without a doubt, one of the most common in the arena of relationships. Projecting the feeling of guilt on your partner to make them feel bad for having neglected you or for hurting you without even realizing it is very common. 
  • The trap of imagining the worst. Obsessive, co-dependent, toxic love is prone to imagining things that are unfounded and baseless. The suspicion of being betrayed and deceived can turn into a persistent feeling.

Love me Beautifully, Love me Freely While Together

There are fathers and mothers who adore their children, who love them fiercely, with selfless devotion and without limits. They love them a lot but they do not love them right. It is a suffocating love that clips wings and frustrates childhoods, squashes dreams and even the ability to reach a happy and secure maturity.

“He who knows how to truly love, always wins.”

-Hermann Hesse

At the level of the couple, the same thing almost always occurs. There is no need to die for love, nor suffer for it, we should not allow it to abdicate to us or our self-esteem in favor of the other. We should be demanding and say “I do not want you to love me a lot, I want you to love me RIGHT.”

On the other hand, something we are all aware of is that there are very few things as important nor as exciting as feeling loved without limits and to an excessive degree. It is a way to reaffirm us, to feel infused by an overflowing energy that excites and traps us. However, we need to be cautious and keep a cool head, because love does have limits that are set by your integrity, your dignity, and your happiness. 

If at any time one of these pillars is violated, that is the time to get out of the golden barred cage.