When You Can't Be Bothered to Find a Partner

Many people voluntarily give up the chance of having a partner. Some say they subscribe to this way of life out of laziness. In this article, we want to talk about the possible origins of this lack of motivation.
When You Can't Be Bothered to Find a Partner
Elena Sanz

Written and verified by the psychologist Elena Sanz.

Last update: 21 December, 2022

If you’ve been single for a while, you might find that people around you are starting to put pressure on you. You hear things like, “Don’t you have a partner yet?”, “When are you going to find a boyfriend?”, “Isn’t it time you settled down?”. However, despite these external pressures, perhaps you completely reject the idea of dating. You’re not going through a grieving process nor are you waiting for the right person, you just simply can’t be bothered to find a partner.

This can make you feel not only confused but also judged. Indeed, it seems that a search for a better half is mandatory. People around you might insist on introducing you to prospective partners, persuade you to create a profile on a dating website, or encourage you to go out and meet new people.

This may make you wonder if there’s something wrong with you. If you’re in this situation, here are some possible reasons why:

You prefer to be single

Although life as a couple is socially desirable, in reality, being single also has many positive points. Perhaps they’re the reasons why you prefer to be single.

Freedom and autonomy

If you don’t have a partner, you can be more selfish when making decisions. It doesn’t matter whether or not your wishes are incompatible with those of another.

Of course, in healthy relationships, no one should lose their freedom. However, in reality, when you’re in a relationship, there comes a time when you have to make certain concessions for the good of the partnership.

Happy woman
There are those who prefer to be single because they enjoy the freedom and autonomy it provides.


If you’ve been in previous relationships with controlling people, you probably greatly appreciate not having to explain yourself. For example, if you’re out with friends and having a good time, you can stay out as late as you like without worrying that later you’ll be criticized for spending too much time with them.

Being single means you don’t have to be accountable for where you go, what you do, who you spend your time with, or why you do certain things. Furthermore, you don’t have to respond to any emotional commitments or responsibilities.

When you can’t be bothered to find a partner: the downside

On the other hand, perhaps your rejection of finding a partner is just a mask. If this is the case, you might identify with some of the following situations:

Feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem

Establishing healthy relationships is a really complicated task if you don’t value yourself. Healthy relationships are usually symmetrical relationships. If you think that you’ve nothing to contribute, it’ll be really difficult for you to sustain a relationship. That’s either because you feel that you’re building up an ever-increasing debt with your partner or your feelings are due to an emotional dependency that ends up suffocating your relationship.

Also, when your self-esteem falters, the idea of looking for a partner can scare you. In these circumstances, you must give yourself the chance to share your feelings with a partner, and stop anticipating rejection. Because that only convinces you that it’s better not to even try and find one.

Emotional blocks derived from past experiences

Have you had traumatic, painful, and harmful relationships in the past? Have you experienced relationships full of uncertainty and demand in which you ended up feeling empty? If so, you may be harboring certain emotional blocks.

You may have internalized the idea that a relationship is synonymous with constant sacrifice and suffering. Of course, you don’t want this for yourself, even more so as you’ve managed to reconstruct yourself from the painful experiences that made you think this way in the first place.

Worried woman, depicting when you can't be bothered to find a partner.
Having had a bad time in a previous relationship may be a reason why you prefer not to have a partner.

Fear of compromise

Finally, if you feel that you can’t be bothered to find a partner, you might have a fear of commitment that you haven’t yet identified. In this case, you fear being trapped in a relationship since you believe it’d totally deprive you of your freedom and autonomy. You’re also afraid of making the wrong decision and increasing your vulnerability, should you become close to someone.

Finally, you’re perfectly within your rights to choose not to have a partner. Furthermore, there might be many non-pathological reasons for not doing so. However, it’s also possible that you may have certain personal or emotional conflicts that need resolving. Your reluctance is only the rug that you’ve swept much of your suffering under. If this is the case, you need to reflect on the situation and seek professional help if necessary.

All cited sources were thoroughly reviewed by our team to ensure their quality, reliability, currency, and validity. The bibliography of this article was considered reliable and of academic or scientific accuracy.

  • Birnie, C., Joy McClure, M., Lydon, J. E., & Holmberg, D. (2009). Attachment avoidance and commitment aversion: A script for relationship failure. Personal Relationships16(1), 79-97.
  • Quadrio, C. (1982). The Peter Pan and Wendy syndrome: A marital dynamic. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry16(2), 23-28.

This text is provided for informational purposes only and does not replace consultation with a professional. If in doubt, consult your specialist.